I had my appointment to see Uncle Phua today. He says that I am doing well. A little delayed with the motor skills, but nothing too worrying. He sounded positive and encouraging.

Papa has noticed that I have met another milestone in the last few days. I have started to pull myself up to a squatting position on my knees, and am able to pull myself up onto low tables. I have brought smiles to my loved ones when I pull myself up to the railings of my cot, and have even started some basic 'coasting' around its sides. My legs aren't that strong and steady yet, but I am body-building every day. Soon my muscles will be bigger than papa's. Not.

Day 2 of my medications, and my wet nose is getting better. I am not cured yet, but at least I don't splutter and cough so much when I feed. 3 of the medicines are dissolved in my milk. They think I don't know, but I do. The antibiotic is being syringed into my mouth as I wriggle in protest twice a day. The pangs of growing up.

I have been having a persistent wet nose since my last illness. It is causing me to choke badly when ever I have my milk or meals. Papa says it is dripping from my nose to the back of my throat. Which is what is causing my phlegmy chesty cough. The gurgling noises from my nose sound like I am blowing bubbles at the back of my throat. The wetness is dripping inside and seeping outside. My Aunty Elena has prescribed a course of antihistamines, antibiotics and something to loosen the phlegm. They are hoping that a five day intensive course of medication will banish the wetness. Papa says that I have turned out to be one allergic baby indeed. I pray my nose will dry up soon. It is making me feel tired.

We travelled north to Johor, Malaysia over the Good Friday holidays. An hour's boat ride from Singapore's east coast on a warm Thursday afternoon, got us to an old secluded boating resort by a large river. It was three days of close living and papa had the exclusive honor of feeding, bathing and changing me. I am happy to report that we survived! I was also glad that he was fully occupied with caring for me- it was a necessary distraction from those significantly sad few days. As it turned out, we had a rather lazy few days eating, sleeping and swimming. I was given my first taste of Malaysian water too! Swimming pool water that is. Papa gave me my first dunking underwater. It was fun, but the water did taste funny. My aunties and uncles that accompanied us on the holiday helped papa to celebrate my birthday with an alfresco candle-lit dinner by the river side. There was even a cake with my name on it. After dinner, we launched paper boats with candles in them onto the still dark river. It was a symbolic gesture in remembrance of mummy, hoping that our love represented by the bright candles would find her somewhere along the dark rivers of eternity.

I have also recently had my twelve month checkup with Uncle Simon. He was generally pleased with my progress, and even though I still haven't learned to walk yet, he is optimistic that I will get there in due course. I now weigh 8.4kg and stand 77cm tall. No jabs this time around, but there will be at least two coming up in three months time. I am praying that I will have learned to run by then! Everyone says that I am starting to be more assertive lately. I can whinge and whine with the best of them and am very focussed about what I want. I can even play hide and seek using my blanket with the people around me. No wonder papa is looking increasingly exhausted around me. Mummy, I pray that you are safe and surrounded by the warmth of love just as I am. Where ever you may be.

I find an old photograph
and see your smile.
As I feel your presence anew,
I am filled with warmth
and my heart remembers love.

I read an old card
sent many years ago
during a time of turmoil and confusion.
The soothing words written then
still caress my spirit and bring me peace.

I remember your sweet voice,
The reassuring tones,
The melodies and perfect pitch,
The joyousness and passion,
Guides my soul to a higher plane

I remember who you used to be
the laughter we shared
and wonder what you have become.
Where are you now, Where did you go,
When the body is left behind
and the spirit is released to fly?

Perhaps you are the morning bird
singing joyfully at sunrise,
or the butterfly that dances
so carelessly on the breeze
or the rainbow of colors
that brightens a stormy sky
or the fingers of afternoon mist
delicately reaching over the mountains
or the final few rays of the setting sun
lighting up the skies
edging the clouds with a magical glow.

I miss your being
but I feel your presence,
In whatever form you choose to take,
however you now choose to be.

-One year has passed and you continue to be deeply missed and loved by your 'Bunny' Colin.

Mummy Darling we'll be alright,

We'll be good. Promise.
When you see us together,
Send us a kiss in the wind,
And a song in our hearts,
Whisper to us, "I love you",
We'll know it's you. Always.
We'll be waiting. Wait for us too.
We love you so much.

-Evan Gabriel & papa

Papa and I will be taking a short vacation away together over the Good Friday. See you all soon when we get back.

I am surrounded by so many,
But not by you, for that life is desperately lonely,
I am showered with abundant love
But not by you, for that I feel the utter despair,
I am blessed with a child,
But not with you, for that we share the emptiness.
For such is the torment of a crowded loneliness.

-CO.sg

Mummy's birthday loved and remembered: 2nd of April was mummy's birthday. Papa brought me to the Niche of Saint Collette in the Church of Saint Mary's, where mummy's remains are buried. Some close friends were with us to lend support. We said a prayer and sang a song for her. There was much reverence and heartfelt sorrow lingering in the damp air. As we lit the 'birthday candles' for her, I felt mummy in the wind as she blew them out from where she was. A gentle gust on a still evening filled with her love as if to say, "I am here with you". Mummy dearest, papa says that now you are in Heaven, you will never grow old. You cannot imagine how much we all miss you. Wait for us. Happy Birthday Mummy Dearest.

Love is reckless; not reason.

Reason seeks a profit.

Love comes on strong,

consuming herself, unabashed.

Yet, in the midst of suffering,

Love proceeds like a millstone,

hard surfaced and straightforward.

Having died of self-interest,

she risks everything and asks for nothing.

Love gambles away every gift God bestows.

Without cause God gave us Being;

without cause, give it back again.

-Rumi

Navigating through the rough waters of life- I am glad to have survived my first year...


Mummy made it look so easy...

We celebrated my First Birthday Sunday last. I am but one year young! It wasn't my actual birth date, which falls on the 6th of April, but papa had his reasons for wanting to celebrate it earlier. It was a celebration with close friends and family in the grounds of mummy's old parish, St Ignatius Church. The proximity to the priests' quarters would mean they would have an easier time attending the party. Father O'Neil who baptised me was there to offer a blessing before the party began. This Church was like a second home to mummy for most of her wonderful life and the location was meaningful and appropriate.

In lieu of birthday presents this year, papa had requested that friends and family donate to the Assisi Hospice- a Catholic welfare charity that takes care of the sick and needy. The money would be directed to a section of the Hospice, the Paediatric Palliative Care Programme. This recently implemented plan is directed at the care of children with terminal illnesses.

The party was fun. We had candy floss, popcorn, balloons and clowns. I managed to stay awake most of the afternoon. Everyone had lots of fun. It was a party to remember indeed.

Papa would like to thank all the kind souls that donated to the Assisi Hospice. In total, almost three thousand dollars was raised for this worthy mission. Papa imagines that mummy will be smiling with approval at all the generous donors. Thank you all for making my First Birthday that much more meaningful, and for helping to lift these children for whom life will be but a painful short journey.

The most difficult time of the year for mummy's loved ones has arrived. Papa has succumbed to a more sombre mood lately. It is the week of painful anniversaries and resurrected memories. Papa has started calling it his annual week of mourning. The 2nd of April (Monday) would have been mummy's birthday. The 6th of April (which happens to be Good Friday this year) is the first anniversary of her going to heaven. It is also my birthday. Papa has taken leave from work this week to be with me as we remember and honor mummy's love. Time has failed to erode the pain. Papa has been trying hard to prepare tributes for mummy in memoriam for this week's newspaper publication. So far there have been more tears than words pouring forth. The sadness welling up from within belies the passage of time and superficial healing.

Papa misses her more than life itself.