I'm Walking! Or at least the wobbly kind.
Papa asked for a 'cup of tea' from my 'kitchen'. I was only too happy to oblige.
Papa says that's good service for you! I was walking tall.
I am not very steady yet, but I am getting better & stronger with each passing day.
Papa says it was my best Christmas gift to him to date.
Mummy would be so proud of me.

Remembering Mummy Dearest, September 2007: Basketball Games at CHIJ

Once again family and faithful gathered at the basketball courts of mummy's old alma mater, the Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus School, to remember, honour and cherish her. It was a very meaningful and heartfelt occasion enjoyed by one and all. It was a well organised event and kudos must go to Aunty Sheena and Prisca for spearheading the efforts. They even went to all the trouble of making colorful friendship wrist-bands for all the participants. Each band came imprinted with mummy's name on it. Mummy dearest, may the fond memories of you never fade.


The Loyal and the True...

Deja Vu! Grandpa does it again...(no, he didn't score that basket!)

There was even a kid's competition.

It’s been a while since papa has shared his thoughts with this Blog community. Time and energy have been scarce commodities since we moved home. Papa apologises for the hiatus. Our move back home has been punctuated by a few significant events that have yet to be recorded, namely, the second memorial basketball game in honor of mummy dearest held in September 2007, the significant demise of mummy’s Uncle Yew Wah, Uncle Chris’s and Aunty Anita’s wedding, without a doubt, the nuptial of the year, and last but not least my trip to Australia! Papa will be writing about these events over the next few entries.

The move home has been smooth so far. Routines have re-established themselves, I like my home and we have settled comfortably as far as the physical aspects are concerned. Papa distracts himself with mundane chores and anything else, so as to maintain an even keel with the emotional storms. Many things lie exactly where they were all those years ago when mummy was still around. Papa has not had the heart or strength to move or discard anything for the time being. He senses that a period of passive mourning still needs to work itself out. Renewal will have to take place eventually, just not for now.

We feel your presence mummy, guide us as we journey in search of you.

My Trip to Pulau Ubin...

It was two Sundays ago in August that I had my first Bum boat ride to the island of Ubin. It is a ten minute ride off the south-eastern shores of Singapore. It was a cloudy day and my buddy Vee Shen was with me. We started off with a hearty breakfast at the famous Changi Village hawker center on the mainland, before setting off on our noisy, diesel filled splutter across the waters. We rented a tandem bike with a baby seat attached and set off for our intended destination- the Chek Jawa Wetlands.


It was a healthy half an hour ride over undulating road and mud tracks, with leafy jungles on either side, before we finally panted our way to our destination. The signage along the mud track declared "one way to Chek Jawa", left papa feeling a little perturbed but bemused.



It was a pleasant walk along the muddy coast. Unfortunately, the tide had risen and most of the more interesting features of the wetlands had been submerged. So we had to content ourselves with a leisurely stroll along the well constructed coastal board walk. It was breezy, and we got to see the airplanes up close as they landed at our famous nearby Changi Airport. The skies started to close in on us towards the end of our walk as we hastily retreated towards our start point. The rain finally caught up with us however on the last leg of our return journey. A tropical thunderstorm of ferocious rain pelted down on us as papa struggled to get the flimsy ponchos over our heads. The thin ponchos were of scant consolation as the intensity of the rain ensured that we were all soaked to the skin by the time we eventually found some shelter. I thought it was fun. All in all, a very enjoyable and satisfying hike was enjoyed by all. I hope to come again some day soon.

This month was a momentous one. We have finally moved back to mummy and papa's home. Our home. It was not an easy decision. But it had to be done in order for us to move forward. Papa says it is necessary for us to face the past so that we can look to the future.

Papa is very grateful for all the love and unconditional support that he has received from Uncle Douglas and Aunty Elena. It has been almost a year and five months that we have stayed with them, ever since mummy went to Heaven. They have provided a haven and sanctuary for papa to heal, and for me to grow. It was a gesture that reflects love in its purest form. For that he is eternally grateful.


Papa says that he is much stronger today. He has learned to face mummy's absence with fortitude and humility. He feels mummy's spirit within him, guiding his every action. Now he says, it is time to rebuild our lives and set to the task of bringing me up in a way that would make mummy proud. Papa says that I am their loving creation, and he intends to see to it that I turn out to be best that I can be. Mummy may no longer be around to help him, but she will be his utmost inspiration, as she has always been.

Papa took leave from work for a week so that we could make the move. There was much to do- cleaning, moving belongings and ensuring that things were in working order. New routines have been established and papa is confident that the transition will go smoothly. Despite the melancholy that permeates everything in the house, papa feels strangely at one with the surroundings. As if the void in his heart has been soothed by the closeness to mummy's things. This house was at the centre of their lives, and now it's belongings, it's smells and it's memories are the closest things papa has to remember mummy by. Papa says it is a weird feeling- trying to fill the void in your heart with memories locked into inanimate objects. Then there is the question of what to do with mummy's things. How do you dispose of your beloved's belongings without losing some part of yourself in the process. How much can you afford to lose before you crumble. How do you move forward when the sentimentality is overwhelming. These will be some of the longest days of our lives.

This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First, to let go of life. In the end, to take a step without feet; to regard this world as invisible, and to disregard what appears to be the self. Heart, I said, what a gift it has been to enter this circle of lovers, to see beyond seeing itself, to reach and feel within the breast. -Rumi

An Occasion To Remember our beloved Frances...

A message from the organising committee:

"Dear Friends,

It has been a year since we held our first basketball memorial to remember our dear friend, Frances, who passed away in April last year. The 1st Basketball Memorial game, held in September last year, was a success with a very encouraging turnout of more than 50 people - friends, friends of friends' and families, who came to play the game, support the players, or
simply meet up with old friends.

A big thank you to those of you who came to play and support the event.

We would like to continue this event - and are now planning the 2nd Memorial game soon. We really hope you will take the time to come and join us to play or just to lend your support.

Details of the game are as follows:

Date: Saturday, 1 September 2007
Time: 4:00pm - 7:00pm
Venue: CHIJ Basketball Courts, Toa Payoh Lorong 1

For those of you who can play, please do join us for the Game. And even if you can't, just be game enough - it's really just for fun and your talent and fitness, or lack thereof will not be relevant. Most importantly, we are holding this game in the memory of our friend Frances and her love of this game.

So please do come down and join us and let us know in advance, if you can make it. Bring your family along as well so they can join in too.

We would love to see you all there.

Thanks!!

Sheena, Prisca, Charlotte, Liling and Valerie
(Organizing Committee - Basketball Memorial 2007)"

What happened to the stock markets while I was down with HFMD!?

I have recovered from my HFMD. It was an uneventful boring illness. I am just glad it's over. I am now back to my usual routines. School has never been more inviting.

Like my first taste of beer, life has it's bitter moments. I am down with another infection. This time it's the bug that gives you blisters in your mouth and on your feet and hands. Papa calls it HFMD. I picked it up from the infant care facility which I attend three times a week. My blisters started appearing on Monday and I am now being strictly quarantined. Nothing for the whole week. No school, no outings, no TV, no playing with my cousins, no anything. Nada, zilch, nyet. It is now day three of my solitary confinement and the isolation is starting to get to me. It's worse than the disease itself, which so far I have handled very well. There is no fever, only the blisters that have cropped up on my legs, hands, tongue, lips and throat. I feel only mildly uncomfortable, and am going about my business like nothing has happened. In fact my appetite has not diminished one iota, which is surprising all at home. I am sill eating voraciously, like there is no tomorrow. Papa says I need to be confined for the benefit of others, so I need to be patient and understanding. It's tough, but I have been co-operating well so far. Papa is very proud of me. This will be one of the longest weeks of my life.

"Hi there!"

"What are you up to?"

"Is that a camera you're holding?"

"Ahah! Well, I've got a camera too!"

"Two can play at the game! Like father, like son..."

I have grown fast in the last few weeks. I have entered the golden age of discovery. I am the grand explorer that leaves no stone unturned. The all-seeing, all-hearing Inquisitor. The only thing holding me back is my lack of mobility seeing as my walking is still a work in progress. But I am a mean crawler- the Schumacher of floors, the Lightning McQueen on all fours. Where ever I can, I try to pull myself up to a standing position at low tables, chairs and in my cot. I am also starting to imitate actions and sounds. I have learned how to clap my hands, blow kisses and wave goodbye. More to amuse the adults around me than anything else. I am much more talkative and jabber away when the mood takes me. The adults don't seem to understand me very well at the moment. So I use a mixture of sign language (pointing) and vocal intonations to get what I want. Funny how papa seems to be sighing much more these days.

My time at the Rainbow Centre has been fun so far. I spend 2 sessions a week in the afternoons, each lasting 3 hours. It is a very well organised programme, with well defined sessions to stimulate sight, hearing and touch. The swimming sessions once a week are the most fun. My teachers are great. There are 2 of them to the 4 of us. So we get lots of attention. They are beautiful people. Hopefully they will get me walking before long. I look forward to each session very much.

What I wasn't looking forward to recently however, was my visit to Uncle Simon, my doctor. Apparently it was time for my Mumps, Measles and Rubella medicine. I was not a happy nappy at all. I struggled when they tried to weigh me, which meant that papa had to hold me while both of us were weighed. He was quite sure the machine was spoilt. I heard him protest vigorously at the smiling nurse. Papa then had to hold me down as they measured my height and head circumference. Uncle Simon said that by all the measurements, I was growing well so far. Which is why I didn't understand why he had to then jab me! The whole clinic participated in my anguish as papa held me down for a thigh jab. I am beginning to hate the smell of clinics...

Mummy dearest, I know that you used to tease me for moving around so much while I was in your tummy, especially towards the end. I am sorry for making you uncomfortable. Papa says if you thought that was bad, you should watch me now! There isn't a day that goes by that I don't long for your touch. Papa tries his best, but somehow it's just not the same. I suppose I will never know. Love you the mostest mum.

"I came, I saw..."



"We conquered!"

Papa has recently enrolled me into the Rainbow Centre. It is a place with a big heart. This is where children with special needs go to for early intervention, special education and professional therapy. They see children with mild to very severe special needs and help them to achieve their fullest potential in a holistic environment. I have been accepted into the Early Intervention Programme for Infants and Young Children (EIPIC) because of my developmental delays in motor skills. Although papa feels that I am doing well so far, he and his council of 'wise advisers' think that this programme can only do me more good. It is a very well run and professional organisation, with many talented, dedicated and passionate staff. It gives hope to many families. I will be going to a class with other children who are like me, with delays in their normal development. This centre will hopefully help to accelerate my progress. Papa is very confident I will graduate with flying colors in time to come. For the moment, I will be attending twice weekly, two hour sessions filled with music, art and play.

Mummy, I wish you could be here to see me and to be with me when I attend these classes. I do so miss you so very much. Love you mostest! xxx

Through the darkness I can still see your light
And you will always shine, I can feel your heart in mine,
And in this cruel and lonely world I found one love,
In my eyes you do no wrong, I've loved you for so long
After all is said and done, You're still you,
And I believe in you, Although you never asked me to,
I will remember you, and what life put you through,
You walk past me and I can feel your pain,
Time changes everything,
But one truth always stays the same,
I still love you to the ends of the earth.

-Adapted from Josh Groban, You're still you.

Fever Update: Day 3 and the fever has subsided (fingers crossed). Not as soon as papa had hoped for. However the runny nose and phlegmy cough persist. I managed a smile for papa for the first time in 3 days. Mr Sunshine has finally returned.

I have been feeling a little ill these last couple of days. I must have picked up another bug. I was having a fever and runny nose. As of today, Sunday, the worst seems to be over though. Papa thinks that the fever is coming down. My appetite is slowly returning to healthy levels and I am becoming as active as ever. The only thing that is left behind is a wet runny nose.

Me and my automobile! It's even got my mandarin surname embossed on the front of the bonnet! I love sitting behind steering wheels.Papa has started to bring me to see an 'osteopath', Aunty Virginia. I have been seeing her to help me with my development. Papa thinks it can only do me some good.

Overall I have been doing well in the last few months. Still with my allergies, but not so intense. It might have something to do with my daily dose of antihistamines for the last few weeks. The rashes on my face have improved much and the skin situation appears to be stabilizing. I can crawl very fast these days, too fast for papa I am told. My sitting is more stable, and I am now able to push myself up to a kneeling position quite easily. I am also 'cruising' or 'coasting' as papa likes to say, at every given opportunity- pulling myself up onto low tables, stools and chairs so that I can explore and reach for more interesting things. My leg muscles are still not strong enough though and so I am pretty wobbly on two feet at the moment. I have recently learned to intentionally wave my hands and arms in a farewell gesture to people. That seems to have thrilled everyone. I can't speak yet, but that has not prevented me from vocalizing my needs assertively these days. Despite all these changes, I'm still the happy smiley baby that my papa so loves. He still calls me 'Mr Sunshine' because I always have a ready radiant smile for him in the mornings when I wake up.

Reflections.......

"It is not so difficult to see that, in our particular world, we all have a strong desire to accomplish something. Some of us think in terms of great dramatic changes in the structure of our society. Others want at least to build a house, write a book, invent a machine, or win a trophy. And some of us seem to be content when we just do something worthwhile for someone. But practically all of us think about ourselves in terms of our contribution to life. And when we have become old, much of our feelings of happiness or sadness depend on our evaluation of the part we played in giving shape to our world and its history....... But although the desire to be useful can be a sign of mental and spiritual health in our goal-orientated society, it can also become the source of a paralyzing lack of self-esteem. More often than not, we not only desire to do meaningful things, but we often make the results of our work the criteria of our self-esteem. And then we not only have successes, we become our successes....... When we start being too impressed by the results of our work, we slowly come to the erroneous conviction that life is one large scoreboard where someone is listing the points to measure our worth. And before we are fully aware of it, we have sold our soul to the many grade-givers. That means we are not only in the world, but of the world. Then we become what the world makes us. We are intelligent because someone gives us a high grade. We are helpful because someone says thanks. We are likable because someone likes us. And we are important because someone considers us indispensable. In short, we are worthwhile because we have successes. And the more we allow our accomplishments- the results of our actions- to become the criteria of our self-esteem, the more we are going to walk on our mental and spiritual toes, never sure if we will be able to live up to the expectations which we created by our last successes. In many people's lives, there is a nearly diabolical chain in which their anxieties grow according to their successes....... In this success- orientated world, our lives become more and more dominated by superlatives. We brag about the highest tower, the fastest runner, the tallest man, the longest bridge, and the best student....... But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from a deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that someday someone will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe.......This nagging self-doubt is the basis of so much depression in the lives of many people who are struggling in our competitive society. Moreover, this corroding fear for the discovery of our weaknesses prevents community and creative sharing. When we have sold our identity to the judges of the world, we are bound to become restless because of a growing need for affirmation and praise. Indeed, we are tempted to become low-hearted because of a constant self-rejection. And we are in serious danger of becoming isolated, since friendship and love are impossible without a mutual vulnerability....... And so, when our actions have become more an expression of fear than of inner freedom, we easily become the prisoners of our self-created illusions."
-Out of Solitude, Henri J M Nouwen

It was Mother's Day recently. I was feeling a little down because papa felt a little sad. He didn't say much, but I could feel it in him. This coincides with another significant milestone in papa's healing journey. We spent two nights staying at our home this month. It wasn't easy. Papa was nervous just thinking of sleeping in the same bed that they used to share. The concentrated raw memories of the bonds they forged together in this home were as fresh as the night I was born. The love of his life, no longer by his side. A house with two where there should have been three. He is afraid to face the unknown without mummy's reassuring presence. He grieves for her loss like a blind artist would for his gift of sight. The inability to share his innermost joys and dreams, no one to wipe away his tears and console his fears. It isn't just the memories that linger, but the debris of a lost future together that is so choking and suffocating.
He has been looking towards me in the hope of gaining some courage. If only I could talk. I would tell him that he will be ok with mummy and me by his side. Mummy, if you are out there, cradle papa in your arms and whisper in his ears the soothing melodies of your interwoven hearts. Grant him peace.

What will
our children do in the morning?

Will they wake with their hearts wanting to play,
the way wings should?

Will they have dreamed the needed flights and gathered
the strength from the planets that all
men and women need to balance
the wonderful charms of
the earth

So that her power and beauty does not make us forget our own?

I know all about the ways of the heart – how it wants to be alive.

Love so needs to love
that it will endure almost anything, even abuse,
just to flicker for a moment. But the sky’s mouth is kind,
its song will never hurt you, for I sing those words.

What will our children do in the morning
if they do not see us
fly?

-Rumi, The Way Things Should (D Ladinsky)

Everyone at home is recovering from a bad cough bug. That includes me. But I seem to be recovering faster than papa. Nonetheless, I still have a good appetite and my spirits have not been dampened very much.

We went to see my physiotherapist, Aunty Laura a few weeks ago. She was happy with what she saw me doing. She agrees with Dr Phua that I have been making steady progress with my motor skills, and that this is a good sign for the future. She feels that I only need to see her every six weeks now to check on my progress. I will miss her sessions- she is bubbly and caring, not to mention that she has so many fun things to play with!

Papa has taken some leave from his work this month to spend time with me. We spent some time at the Assisi Home last week to donate the money that was collected during my birthday. In all, we will be donating four thousand dollars to the Children's Palliative Care programme for the terminally ill. Three thousand of which was kindly donated by family and friends on my very first birthday. I hope that these children will not suffer too much during their short journey with us, and that they will be as happy as can be. Mummy, help to care for them when they leave us to join you. Help take care of them as you would me.