Papa's Log, Day 93, Earth-date: Friday, 7th July 2006 AD:

The solitude of the early morning drive into work, has become a time of spontaneous reflection and hurtful reminiscing. Often accompanied by the dabs and wipes of indispensable Kleenex. Between my chronic sinus problems and chronic mourning, I half jokingly remind myself that I should buy a share of the company some time soon. This is one of a few times in the day when I feel her loss the most. The 'mourning' drive to work, as I like to refer to it these days, had always been in her company. It was a ritual that she had performed tirelessly and with good cheer. I had always been quietly grateful for this. Being the one who worked from home, she had the 'priviledge' of using the car during the day. Hence the drop off for me. Most days, our drives would start off with a silent morning greeting with a gentle squeezing of hands or a quiet loving gaze. It always ended with a supple peck on her lips before I hopped out of the car. Her often cheery disposition each morning was like a warm breakfast for my soul. It was in sharp contrast to my always-sleepy, and sometimes-grumpy disposition. I had never been a morning person. Unlike her. She had always been my 'Morning Glory'. Early to bed, early to rise. Unlike me. We celebrated in our differences. Most of the time at least. Like most marriages, these differences were sometimes flashpoints for acrimony. But ours was by and large a stable maturing union, and most of the differences were slowly being digested and absorbed into the greater body of our marriage. We both acknowledged in our own quiet ways the fact that we had reached a higher plain in our marriage. A plain that had brought us closer than ever before. It was a plain of very deep understanding, mutual respect and unquestioning love for each other. As with many relationships, we had endured a rocky road during the initial years when markers were being set and boundaries explored. We both possessed a feisty spirit and sometimes obstinate disposition. Unbending at times, but never unreasonable, always passionate and overflowing with love. We had learned over the years to break down the walls between us. The sometimes painful honesty that we shared in our thoughts and in our emotions, deepened the trust and more importantly, strengthened the foundations. We had survived to emerge stronger and the better for it. We had, up to the fateful day been enjoying an extended period of calm and happiness for quite a number of years. It was blissful in many ways. There was so much unfufilled happiness in store for our future. Evan enriched & potentiated that hope. This is what has made the loss so very hard to endure. The void so massive that it has sucked life's very essences from my soul. The devastation of no return. A monumental paradigm shift, a sorrowful chasm in time. Morning drives into work have since become a time for refreshing baths of the soul. Cleansed by her loving memories and rinsed in tears of endearment. It has become my daily awakening of the heart. I miss her terribly. -CO.sg