So it came to pass.
5pm at Harbour Front ferry terminal, on this significant day, the first of September 2009. Just after his afternoon nap & a bottle of reassuring milk. A dramatic farewell on a stormy afternoon. Moods as sombre as the skies. Grandparents rallied for extra measure & comfort. Everything possible done to caccoon him for the bumpy ride ahead. Seat belts buckled!

I tried to prepare him by telling him we were going to see boats & to say goodbye to Aunty Tamik who had to go away for a 'holiday' to see her family. His initial response was a brave "ok". Tinged with a maturity that surprised. It was unexpectedly reassuring. Somehow you knew it wasn't going to last. The stormy weather outside was a portent of what lay ahead.

He clung to her on the walk from the car park to the ferry terminal. Both not saying much. She tried to break the tension by amusing him with the harbour scene outside as we stood by the glass windows waiting for boarding time to arrive. Conversation was difficult. Tamik was in a fragile state. The silent veil was transparently thin. Evan seemed quietly disturbed. A strange muted business bellied his actions. Confused perhaps. A foreboding of what lay ahead. Unable to express himself adequately possibly. So young & already so abandoned. Tamik has been more than just a nanny since his birth. She has been his maternal shadow for the last two years. The bond ran deep & wide.

It was all over quickly. An intense hug from Evan as he was instructed to say goodbye. Tamik appeared slightly stunned. An uncomfortable silence. Awkward glances. Quick handshakes. We pulled away to ensure no messy histrionics ensued. He insisted on watching from the windows. Hoping to glimpse as she walked to the boat. "I want Aunty Tamik" echoed incessantly through the hallway. So we decided to walk away to catch some dinner. Perhaps he was hungry too. At each turn, he would be looking eagerly to see if she was around the corner- hide & seek was one of their favorite games. We tried to distract him as best as we could, but you could tell in his eyes that it was scant consolation. Tamik called my mobile phone after she had boarded & was obviously distraught. In between sobs, she thanked me & enquired how Evan was taking it. I had to curb my initial instincts to put him on the phone as I realised that it would do both no good at this delicate time. I wished her well & reassured her that he would be ok.

When we finally reached home, he pointed at the door, saying "Aunty Tamik open the door", hoping she was after all, at home & about to welcome him as was her custom. Quiet acceptance greeted the darkened hall as we entered. It would be a long night. By now, tired & whiny, Aunty Tamik's name reverberated through the house until the cloud of exhaustion took its toll.

The final throes of a traumatic day culminated in a sudden unusual awakening at 2 a.m. Evan was at my door crying "Daddy, daddy, come and sleep with me!". It would be another long chapter for such a young life.

Frances Ng Basketball Memorial 2009

 This year's Basketball Memorial will be held on the 5th of September 2009. It's a Saturday, and we'll be at the usual place, CHIJ Toa Payoh, from 4.30pm onwards. So do join us if you can, for a time of fun and activity, even if you don't play basketball, it's a time to catch up with Evan and fellow friends of Frances. See you there!

The Paradox of Life without You,
Numbs the mind and paralyses the heart;
So many people surround us each day,
Yet the loneliness is unsurpassed;
So much promise embodied in Evan,
Yet the future feels so empty;
The outpouring of love since your passing,
Bathes us in its warm protective glow,
Flowing freely in abundance,
Yet the immeasurable love Evan and I had reserved for you,
Lie buried deep under an avalanche of shattered dreams,
Like petrified lava, our rich river of love,
Stopped from flowing by the barrier of time;
So many instruments of music echo through our halls,
Yet the missing musician is the loudest absence of all.

For a season there must be pain-
For a little, little space
I shall lose the sight of her face,
Take back the old life again
While she is at rest in her place,
For a season this pain must endure,
For a little, little while
I shall sigh more often than smile
Till Time shall work me a cure,
And the pitiful days beguile.
For that season we must be apart,
For a little length of years,
Till my life's last hours nears,
And, above the beat of my heart,
I hear Her voice in my ears.
But I shall not understand-
Being set on some later love,
Shall not know her for whom I strove,
Till she reach me forth her hand,
Saying, "Who but I have the right?"
And out of a troubled night
Shall draw me safe to the land.

Rudyard Kipling, The Widow.

Oh we never know where life will take us
I know it's just a ride on the wheel
And we never know when death will shake us
And we wonder how it will feel
I know I'll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears
Life's so fragile and love's so pure
We can't hold on but we try
We watch how quickly it disappears
And we never know why
Goodbye my friend

Karla Bonoff, 1988.

As I leave the the second year of my life behind, I can look back and say that it has been a milestone indeed. It was the year of independence. The year I figured out how to walk and talk, and the year my body was strong enough to resist better all those nasty bugs we pass to one another.

My evolution to a functional biped homosapien has brought new found mobility and immeasurable joy. And misery some might add. Who cares that I'm still a little shaky and unstable on my feet. As my dad says, I won't be a professional athlete, but I can still be an Olympian in many other ways.

The winds now also carry the sounds of my incessant chatter. My new found voice has been a blessing. And a mild curse some might add too. Like all new found independence, it has to be harnessed

My immune system has been firing on all 8 pistons. Sick I have been, but thankfully the fevers have been less frequent and certainly haven't reached the same highs as last year. *fingers crossed*

This year brings new challenges. I start pre-school at a more intensive pace. Five full half mornings a week. I also continue with the Early Intervention Program in the Rainbow Centre two afternoons a week. I have my work cut out for me by papa. He says that I need to strengthen my walking skills and learn to be more balanced. I also have to work on giving my speech more clarity. This will be a very telling year indeed.

It has been almost three years since mummy left us. Our hearts still weigh heavily as if it was only yesterday. I wish she could see me grow up. I wish she was here for me to hug. We miss you so much, the heavens aren't big enough to fill our love.

It is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

Make me an instrument of your peace,
I want to know what it's like to follow you,
When men look at me I want them to see the light of the world inside.

-A Simple Prayer, Praise Baby Collection: Born to Worship