Photos taken from papa's album of mummy conducting during the 60th Jubilee Celebrations for Father Keane Thursday 16th December 2004 at St Ignatius Church Hall.

A Mother's Day Poem from Evan To Mummy Dearest:

Why I Need My Mummy...

For holding my hands as I first learn to walk,
Clapping for me when I start to talk,
Putting your arms around me when papa loses his cool,
Being there with me when I first start school,
Going for a walk, feeding me my favorite fries,
Giving answers to all my when and why's,
Giving me lots of hugs when I am down,
Telling me when not to frown,
Guiding my hands as I learn to play the piano,
Coaching me to sing the proper alto,
Teaching me how to play basketball,
Comforting me when I trip and fall,
For talking about anything under the sun,
To be with me through tears and fun,
To help me and papa get back on our feet,
We need you here to make the family photo complete.

-Missing you the mostest, Evan Gabriel.

Day 38 (Sat 13th May 2006): Papa says that tomorrow will be an especially difficult day for us. It is Mother's Day. A day which celebrates motherhood. A day for thanking mothers for all their love and devotion. It will have a different meaning for us. Papa says that he will explain why when I am older. He says that for now, we will have to be satisfied with just praying for mummy. He says that I need to concentrate on growing well and healthily.

Papa says that my recent upgrade to 120ml of milk was too ambitious. I have not been able to sustain that volume. So my milk has been reduced to 105ml every three hours. Papa says that I will get there eventually with time.

I attended Mass with papa today. We went to the Church of the Holy Spirit. Papa says that he felt very sad when they asked all the mothers to stand up for a special prayer and blessing. He almost wanted to stand up with me for mummy's sake. But he was too overwhelmed. He says it hurt so much as he knew that this would have been a day when mummy would have been smiling one of the happiest smiles since they got married. She would have been a beaming proud mother brimming with love and radiating rapture. I could hear papa crying when he was alone tonight. Mummy dearest, although I never got to know you well, papa's sadness speaks a thousand words. I pray for you on this special day, that you find peace in heaven, and that you will visit us frequently, to wrap us in your loving embrace, to lead me along the righteous path as I grow up. Happy Mother's Day mummy dearest.

Echoes of the present..

Living memories haunt
Searing pain taunts
Reminisce the warm wet kiss
Suffer the unattainable bliss
Soft senses of intimate caress
Cold skin lonely and bereft
Lingering gaze of untold passion
Bloodshot eyes of teary desolation
Tender whispers in the dark
Mournful torments of a broken heart

Searching for a reason
Torn apart in his prison
Blot out the savage thoughts
Of demons hewn and fought
Dream the life that once was
Hiding from the insufferable loss
Screams of anger and blame
Driving the rational light insane
Secret whispers and the Grim Reaper plot
Consolation, conclusion and acceptance not
Reflections of the past torment incessantly
Echoes of the present howl eternally
-CO.sg

Day 37 (Fri 12 May 2006): Papa says that today was a religious festival in Singapore called Vesak. Buddhists celebrate the Birth, enlightenment and passing of Buddha. Devotees may bring simple offerings of flowers, candles and joss-sticks to lay at the feet of their teacher. These symbolic offerings are to remind followers that just as the beautiful flowers would wither away after a short while and the candles and joss-sticks would soon burn out, so too is life subject to decay and destruction. Devotees are enjoined to make a special effort to refrain from killing of any kind. Birds and animals are also released by the thousands in a symbolic act to liberation, of giving freedom to those who are in captivity.

Papa says I have been cranky this afternoon. I don't have much appetite in the afternoons, and usually don't finish my milk feeds completely. It is very tiring to cry so much. Papa says that's probably why I usually sleep so well at nights.

Day 36 (Thu 11th May 2006): Papa says my feeds are up and my meds are down! I am now drinking 120ml of milk every three hours. Dr Phua has also told papa to reduce the dosage of my medication, and to eventually stop in one week's time. Wheee!

Papa says he is thinking of starting me on the pacifier. Everyone has a horrified look on their face whenever that word is mentioned. It must be a powerful thing. But I was not a happy kappy today. So papa tried giving me the pacifier for just awhile. There was a strange fuzzy feeling inside me as I sucked on it. But I really don't know what all the fuss is about. It's not scary at all. I quite liked it. Papa told me not to get too used to it. Maybe because it belongs to someone else.

The Silent Scream

Papa said that it rained again today. He tried looking into the rain clouds to see if mummy was there. There were streaks of lightning and claps of thunder, but mummy did not appear.

Papa misses mummy very much. He is always thinking about her. He says that everything he does, at every waking moment of the day, is sprinkled with mummy's scent. It always brings the memories flooding back in a flow of tears. Time is supposed to heal. It only seems to drill the wounds in deeper. How do you mend a broken heart, salvage a shattered soul.

Papa says that their relationship was likened to cooking a meal together in the kitchen of love. One moment savouring the aromas and teasing their taste buds in anticipation of what was to come. The next moment, nothingness. Waking up to a world of anger, hurt and loneliness. Words left unsaid, feelings unexpressed. Only the lingering memories of loving eyes and the mutual smiles of unspoken love.

Mummy dearest, you are all the way up there, but we really need you down here with us. I pray that Jesus will let us see you very soon. Pray with us mummy.

I'd Die For You...

When the shadows spread their wings and chase the day away
The time that is for love I know is near
The mystery we feel will soon surround us
The journey of both laughter and a tear

Sweet memories we make will be forever now
The voices from the past will understand
Waiting for the smile that cuts into me
The fragrance of your hair borne on the wind

I’d die for you, I’d die for you
What is between us is more than your caress
It’s more than I would dare confess
I know it to be true
I’d die for you, I’d die for you
Don’t you remember the panic of our love
We’ve risen high above it now
I owe it all to you
I’d die for you, I’d die for you

The flames that born as one in time may fall away
The glow that is within will never die
To live without you now, I cannot understand
To live with out you I could not survive

I’d die for you, I’d die for you
What is between us is more than your caress
It’s more than I would dare confess
I know it to be true
I’d die for you, I’d die for you
Don’t you remember the vision of our love
We’ve risen high above it now

Whenever you hold me the cycle is complete
The secret of eternal love is laid right at our feet

- Graham Russell

You're No Bunny Till Some Bunny Loves You

(Birthday card to Mummy from Papa, April 1994)

I can wait forever

When you say, I miss the things you do
I just want to get back close again to you
But for now, your voice is near enough
How I miss you and I miss your love
And though, all the days that pass me by so slow
All the emptiness inside me flows
All around and there’s no way out
I’m just thinking so much of you
There was never any doubt

I can wait forever
If you say you’ll be there too
I can wait forever if you will
I know it’s worth it all, to spend my life alone with you

When it looked as though my life was wrong
You took my love and gave it somewhere to belong
I’ll be here, when hope is out of sight
I just wish that I were next to you tonight
And though, I’ll be reaching for you even though
You’ll be somewhere else, my love will go
Like a bird on it’s way back home
I could never let you go
And I just want you to know

I can wait forever
If you say you’ll be there too
I can wait forever if you will
I know it’s worth it all, to spend my life alone with you
-Graham Russell, David Foster, Jay Graydon

Day 33 (Mon, 8th May 2006): Papa started work today. He said it kept him distracted for awhile. It also reminded him of the days gone by. He wistfully recalled how he used to phone mummy after work each day to tell her that he was ready to come home. Mummy would then drive all the way from home to pick him up. Mummy never complained. Always willing. Papa was always quietly grateful. There was always this unspoken love between them in the things they did for each other. This was the bedrock of their endearment. It also meant that they had many chances to go out for dinner, catch a movie or go shopping together. Papa says he pined for those intimate and cherished times. They grew as a couple. They were like the roots of a single tree entwining themselves in the lush fertile soil.

Papa knew that I felt lonely when he was at work, so he told me stories about mummy. He told me all about how gifted a musician mummy was. In sharp contrast to papa, mummy had perfect pitch. Papa said mummy used to complain whenever he sang in the car to the music on the radio. She would screech in agony and dismay. It got so bad, papa says he almost never sang infront of mummy. He was even afraid to sing in the shower if he knew she was around! Papa said that that was the price he had to pay for loving a consumate musician so much. But papa said it could also be fun when he wanted to tease or irritate her. He would warble and whistle with sounds that only his mother could love. And then run before she could hit the scream button. Otherwise, in his less zany moments, papa says he used to adore listening to mummy's melodies being caressed on the piano. Papa felt privileged & blessed. Although mummy's early training had been with the piano and violin, she had started to embrace singing over the last ten years. Papa said she sang as an alto most of the time. She participated in many choirs. She was choir mistress in St Ignatius Church for the longest time. Many people in church looked up to her for musical guidance. Her fondest times were spent with the Singapore Philharmonic Chorus. She made many lasting friendships there, and went on to win numerous international competitions with them. In typical adventurous fashion, papa says that mummy was once invited to join a Chinese Ladies Choir, the Bai He Ladies Choir, and was even asked to join them on a tour of China. Papa said that it typified her free spirited nature and joie de vivre. That was one of the things papa loved so much about her, and misses so sorely. Mummy dearest, continue to bless us with the songs of your heart and the melodies of your love for eternity. I love you very much.

Rapture

by Karin Schaefer

There is a place for us
that no one else can enter.
It is a place that holds no secrets,
only beauty, peace, understanding.

A place that we come to,
thinking we are one,
only to have our souls
fused together for a moment.

And in that moment, I know you;
every pore, every pulse,
every thought, every fear.
And I love you more.

I feel myself laid bare before you,
and I feel content . . .
joyous that you are with me,
loving me in my nakedness.

Day 31 & 32 (Sat, 6th May -Sun 7th May 2006): Saturday was a red letter day for me. It was a day for my formal Baptism in church. It also marked the one month anniversary since my birth. Not to mention, it also happened to be my Aunty Iris's birthday! Papa says that it was also Polling Day in Singapore- marking the birth of a "new" government.

Saturday saw many friends and relatives coming to see me at St Mary of the Angels Church for my formal baptism. Father O'Neil presided over the ceremony. He had been there at the NICU to do the emergency baptism on me just after I came out of mummy's tummy.

Papa brought me to see mummy's resting place in the church, before and after the baptism. We said prayers together at mummy's final resting place. We told mummy how much we missed her, and invited her to join us during the baptism that day, and told her that she would have been proud of me. Papa said that I had been very well behaved. Sadly, it has also been one month since my mummy went to heaven. Papa says it only seems like yesterday.

Miss You Nights...

I’ve had many times
I can tell you
Times when innocence I’d trade for company
And children saw me crying
I thought I’d had my share of that
But these miss you nights
Are the longest

Midnight diamonds
Stud my heaven
Southward burning
Lie the jewels that eye my place
And the warm winds
That embrace me
Just as surely kissed your face
Yeah these miss you nights
Are the longest

How I miss you
I’m not likely to tell
I’m a man and cold day light
Buys the pride I’d rather sell
All my secrets
Are wasted affair
You know them well

Thinking of my going
How to cut the thread
And leave it all behind
Looking windward for my compass
I take each day as it arrives
But these miss you nights
Are the longest

Lay down all thought of your surrender
It’s only me who’s killing time
Lay down all dreams and themes once remembered
It’s just the same
This miss you game
Yeah these miss you nights
Are the longest

-Cliff Richard, Miss You Nights

My Eternal Now...

As the deer banters forth
So the waters on my soul long after thee,
You alone are my heart's desire
and the one that I love until eternity
You alone are my strength, my shield,
To you alone, made my spirit yield,
You alone are my heart's desire,
and I long to cherish thee,
You're my friend, and you are my angel
even though you are my Queen,
I love you more than any other
and yet so much more than anything,
You alone are my strength, my shield,
To you alone, made my spirit yield,
You alone are my heart's desire,
and I long to cherish thee.

Day 30 (Fri 5th May 2006): The sacrament of the present moment...the eternal now...

" I remembered a past that included people that I did not want to give up, and I imagined a future that excluded people I desperately wanted to keep....I was deprived, therefore, of the comfort that good memories provide and of the hope that a good imagination creates...."

" We recover from broken limbs, not amputations. Catastrophic loss by definition precludes recovery. It will transform us or destroy us, but it will never leave us the same. There is no going back to the past, which is gone forever, only going ahead to the future, which has yet to be discovered. Whatever the future is, it will, and must, include the pain of the past with it. Sorrow never entirely leaves the soul of those who have suffered a severe loss. If anything, it may keep going deeper....Catastrophic loss is like undergoing an amputation of the self from the self, as a husband, mother, father, brother or friend....The self I once was, this familiar self, cries out for them, like nerves still telling me that I have a leg or an arm, though only a stump remains...." - A Grace Disguised, Jerry Sitser.

Papa tells me that it is hard for him to imagine life without mummy now. Just like the patient who has amputated a limb, he often gets phantom pains. It begins in the mornings, when he awakes. He half expects to see mummy walk into the room with a cheerful smile and a knowing look that says "you lazy pig, it's about time you woke up!" Or when he gets home after a hard day, how he wishes he could greet her with a simple hello and a peck on the lips. Or the times when he sinks into a couch, how he half expects mummy to snuggle up with a cup of cold milk and have a conversation with him about the day's events. He can still hear her singing in the music room and the melodies that would emanate from her piano playing as he reads the papers. He wishes that whenever there is good news about my progress, that he could simply call her up and tell her all about it. The phantom pains of his "former identity" as he calls it, lingers on. Papa says it hurts especially when he crawls into bed, half expecting mummy to cuddle up to him, to rest her sleepy head on his chest and to feel the warmth of her caress and to gaze silently at the contented smile on her freckled face. Nowadays, Papa says that exhaustion is his ally against pain. It is the opiate he relies upon to numb the wrenching throb of an aching soul, it is the anaesthetic that makes him drowsy before his head hits the pillow.

"And sometimes, when the cry is intense, there emerges a radiance which elsewhere seldom appears: a glow of courage, of love, of insight, of selflessness, of faith. In that radiance we see best what humanity was meant to be... In the valley of suffering, despair and bitterness are brewed. But there also character is made. The valley of suffering is the vale of soul-making."
-Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son.

The bravest battle that ever was fought!
Shall I tell you where and when?
On the maps of the world you will find it not;
'Twas fought by the mothers of men.

Nay not with the cannon of battle-shot,
With a sword or noble pen;
Nay, not with eloquent words or thought
From mouth of wonderful men!

But deep in a walled-up woman's heart --
Of a woman that would not yield,
But bravely, silently bore her part --
Lo, there is the battlefield!

No marshalling troops, no bivouac song,
No banner to gleam and wave;
But oh! those battles, they last so long --
From babyhood to the grave.

Yet, faithful still as a bridge of stars,
She fights in her walled-up town --
Fights on and on in her endless wars,
Then silent, unseen, goes down.

Oh, ye with banners and battle-shot,
And soldiers to shout and paise!
I tell you the kingliest victories fought
Were fought in those silent ways.

O spotless woman in a world of shame,
With splendid and silent scorn,
Go back to God as white as you came --
The Kingliest warrior born!
- Joaquin Miller (1839-1913), Motherhood.

Day 29 (Thu 4th May 2006): Today I went to see Dr Phua. He's a "paediatric neurologist". He is helping Dr Simon take care of me. Dr Phua said that I was progressing well and that everything was stable so far. I weighed in at slightly more than 3.9kg! He did caution Papa that it was still early days, and that only time can tell if I had suffered during my birth. It could take up to two years for them to get a clearer picture. Papa was happy nonetheless. He said that no news is good news. Meanwhile we must all continue to pray hard. He said that I had my work cut out for me. I needed to fight harder to get better.

Papa said that as the days go by, he will tell me more about my mummy. Who she was, what she liked and how very much she had achieved in her short journey on this earth. He said that she was one-of-a-kind, an angel that deserved to be remembered for eternity. Someone too good to be true. Papa says that mummy was so looking forward to holding me in her arms. Someone she could finally call her own. Many people have told Papa that while I was growing in mummy's tummy, she looked radiant. They had never seen her happier. Why God has chosen to deny her the joys of motherhood, Papa cannot understand. Papa says, for now, he cannot accept it when others say she would be happier in Heaven. Papa knows that nothing would have made her happier than being on this earth with me. He says he is not sure if he can forgive. He says he will have many craggy mountains to cross and scorching deserts to trudge in his search for answers. Mummy dearest, be the guiding star for Papa in his search for you. Lead us both back to where you are. Promise.

Be near me when my light is low, 
When the blood creeps, and the nerves prick 
And tingle; and the heart is sick, 
And all the wheels of Being slow. 
 
Be near me when the sensuous frame 
Is rack’d with pangs that conquer trust; 
And Time, a maniac scattering dust, 
And Life, a Fury slinging flame. 
Be near me when my faith is dry, 
And men the flies of latter spring, 
That lay their eggs, and sting and sing 
And weave their petty cells and die. 

Be near me when I fade away, 
To point the term of human strife, 
And on the low dark verge of life 
The twilight of eternal day.

-Alfred Tennyson

Day 28 (Wed 3rd May 2006): Papa said I had a good start to the day, but that it didn't last very long. I had too much air in my stomach. So I spent most of the afternoon crying in pain. You may be wondering why I am smiling so much in my photos since I was feeling so uncomfortable. The truth was that I had just been given some burping medicine by my Aunty Elena, and it felt sooo good after that.

I hold it true, whate'er befall; 
I feel it when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost 
Than never to have loved at all. 

-Alfred Tennyson

Day 27 (Tue 2nd May 2006): I have been very moody today. I cried so much that Aunty Mely and Grand Aunty Kan have had to cradle me for most of the day. They looked tired. Papa tried as well. I think I worried him plenty today. He wasn't sure if I was sick or just having a bad day.
By the late evening, I was feeling tired. I think I will sleep well tonight.

Papa said that he had received a very touching email today. It was from one of mummy's good friends from the Singapore Philharmonic Chorus (TPC). What a long name that is. This friend was also named Uncle Simon. Uncle Simon said that Mr Lim Yau and the TPC committee had decided that they would dedicate their next concert in August to the memory of mummy dearest. So please help support their efforts. It will be held on the 4th & 5th of August at the Esplanade Concert Hall.

Papa tried to explain to me what had happened to mummy. He said that she had been very unlucky. That she had suffered something that was considered very very rare. They called it "Amniotic Fluid Embolism". During the time when I was still inside mummy's tummy, when she was in labour, something happened which caused little chunks of "amniotic fluid contents" to enter her blood. From there, it went into her lungs and blocked the lungs, which then caused her heart to stop beating very suddenly and very violently. Papa said that there was nothing they could have done to prevent it. No one but God could have predicted it. She was healthy and fit and was having a very good pregnancy with no problems up till then. In fact, mummy and papa were planning to give me another brother or sister after I was born. But God thought otherwise.

Papa said that at least she went very quickly and did not suffer much. He was there. Many of the doctors, including Godpa Douglas tried their best to help her, but despite their heroic actions, were not able to make a difference. Jesus was with mummy. Uncle Suresh helped to deliver me after they knew that they could not save mummy no more. They were all very worried for me as I was getting less oxygen during mummy's struggle. That is why they were very surprised to see me get well so fast. But that's because they didn't know that mummy was with me until the end. She protected me from harm. She stayed alive long enough so that I could survive. She gave her life for mine. Mummy dearest, I miss you so much, I love you so much, wait for me and Papa. Keep me warm when I am cold and hungry. Keep Papa soothed when he is cold and feeling empty. *Huggies and kisses* Goodnight sweet mummy.

Never Alone

by Rodney Belcher

I feel you in the morning
When at first I awake
Your thought is with me
With each decision I make

You'd been around forever
Since the first breath I took
Now I have to go on alone
But for love, I need not look

Cause by what you bestowed
In our short time together
Will last in my heart
Forever and ever

Although you've left
And now walk above
I'm never alone
I'm wrapped in your love

Enjoy now your long waited reward
Feel peace that your love continues on
What was taught to me, will be taught to mine
Cause you live on in me even after you've gone

Day 27 (Tue 2nd May 2006):

The Sisyphean challenge

Darkness descends on sorrowful moans
The anguished cries and painful weep
He must face it, he must face it alone
Like a ship adrift in the oceans deep

He walks up this lonely street
Strangely, no one in sight,
The dark mists swirling to forfeit
even the slightest hint of light,

He walks along this lonely street
no one to dry his tears
massage his tired feet
or calm ever present fears

Seeing life through tainted heart,
making everything gray,
Alone, his life, anew to start
Always searching for a way,

But life goes on no matter what,
That fact he cannot quell,
Memories never to be forgot,
Within his heart they dwell.

So he keeps walking this lonely street
Keeps searching to find his way,
Every night he lies down to sleep
And prays tomorrow's a better day

He awakes to this lonely street
Strangely, no one in sight,
The dark mists swirling to forfeit
even the slightest hint of light,

He walks along this lonely street
no one to dry his tears
massage his tired feet
or calm ever present fears

Seeing life through tainted heart,
making everything gray,
Alone, his life, anew to start
Always searching for a way.

Day 26 (Mon 1st May 2006):