Oh we never know where life will take us
I know it's just a ride on the wheel
And we never know when death will shake us
And we wonder how it will feel

Life's so fragile and love's so pure
We can't hold on but we try
We watch how quickly it disappears
And we never know why

So goodbye my friend
I know I'll never see you again
But the time together through all the years
Will take away these tears...

-Karla Bonoff, Goodbye My Friend, 1988.

I had my appointment to see Uncle Phua today. He says that I am doing well. A little delayed with the motor skills, but nothing too worrying. He sounded positive and encouraging.

Papa has noticed that I have met another milestone in the last few days. I have started to pull myself up to a squatting position on my knees, and am able to pull myself up onto low tables. I have brought smiles to my loved ones when I pull myself up to the railings of my cot, and have even started some basic 'coasting' around its sides. My legs aren't that strong and steady yet, but I am body-building every day. Soon my muscles will be bigger than papa's. Not.

Day 2 of my medications, and my wet nose is getting better. I am not cured yet, but at least I don't splutter and cough so much when I feed. 3 of the medicines are dissolved in my milk. They think I don't know, but I do. The antibiotic is being syringed into my mouth as I wriggle in protest twice a day. The pangs of growing up.

I have been having a persistent wet nose since my last illness. It is causing me to choke badly when ever I have my milk or meals. Papa says it is dripping from my nose to the back of my throat. Which is what is causing my phlegmy chesty cough. The gurgling noises from my nose sound like I am blowing bubbles at the back of my throat. The wetness is dripping inside and seeping outside. My Aunty Elena has prescribed a course of antihistamines, antibiotics and something to loosen the phlegm. They are hoping that a five day intensive course of medication will banish the wetness. Papa says that I have turned out to be one allergic baby indeed. I pray my nose will dry up soon. It is making me feel tired.

We travelled north to Johor, Malaysia over the Good Friday holidays. An hour's boat ride from Singapore's east coast on a warm Thursday afternoon, got us to an old secluded boating resort by a large river. It was three days of close living and papa had the exclusive honor of feeding, bathing and changing me. I am happy to report that we survived! I was also glad that he was fully occupied with caring for me- it was a necessary distraction from those significantly sad few days. As it turned out, we had a rather lazy few days eating, sleeping and swimming. I was given my first taste of Malaysian water too! Swimming pool water that is. Papa gave me my first dunking underwater. It was fun, but the water did taste funny. My aunties and uncles that accompanied us on the holiday helped papa to celebrate my birthday with an alfresco candle-lit dinner by the river side. There was even a cake with my name on it. After dinner, we launched paper boats with candles in them onto the still dark river. It was a symbolic gesture in remembrance of mummy, hoping that our love represented by the bright candles would find her somewhere along the dark rivers of eternity.

I have also recently had my twelve month checkup with Uncle Simon. He was generally pleased with my progress, and even though I still haven't learned to walk yet, he is optimistic that I will get there in due course. I now weigh 8.4kg and stand 77cm tall. No jabs this time around, but there will be at least two coming up in three months time. I am praying that I will have learned to run by then! Everyone says that I am starting to be more assertive lately. I can whinge and whine with the best of them and am very focussed about what I want. I can even play hide and seek using my blanket with the people around me. No wonder papa is looking increasingly exhausted around me. Mummy, I pray that you are safe and surrounded by the warmth of love just as I am. Where ever you may be.

I find an old photograph
and see your smile.
As I feel your presence anew,
I am filled with warmth
and my heart remembers love.

I read an old card
sent many years ago
during a time of turmoil and confusion.
The soothing words written then
still caress my spirit and bring me peace.

I remember your sweet voice,
The reassuring tones,
The melodies and perfect pitch,
The joyousness and passion,
Guides my soul to a higher plane

I remember who you used to be
the laughter we shared
and wonder what you have become.
Where are you now, Where did you go,
When the body is left behind
and the spirit is released to fly?

Perhaps you are the morning bird
singing joyfully at sunrise,
or the butterfly that dances
so carelessly on the breeze
or the rainbow of colors
that brightens a stormy sky
or the fingers of afternoon mist
delicately reaching over the mountains
or the final few rays of the setting sun
lighting up the skies
edging the clouds with a magical glow.

I miss your being
but I feel your presence,
In whatever form you choose to take,
however you now choose to be.

-One year has passed and you continue to be deeply missed and loved by your 'Bunny' Colin.

Mummy Darling we'll be alright,

We'll be good. Promise.
When you see us together,
Send us a kiss in the wind,
And a song in our hearts,
Whisper to us, "I love you",
We'll know it's you. Always.
We'll be waiting. Wait for us too.
We love you so much.

-Evan Gabriel & papa

Papa and I will be taking a short vacation away together over the Good Friday. See you all soon when we get back.

I am surrounded by so many,
But not by you, for that life is desperately lonely,
I am showered with abundant love
But not by you, for that I feel the utter despair,
I am blessed with a child,
But not with you, for that we share the emptiness.
For such is the torment of a crowded loneliness.

-CO.sg

Mummy's birthday loved and remembered: 2nd of April was mummy's birthday. Papa brought me to the Niche of Saint Collette in the Church of Saint Mary's, where mummy's remains are buried. Some close friends were with us to lend support. We said a prayer and sang a song for her. There was much reverence and heartfelt sorrow lingering in the damp air. As we lit the 'birthday candles' for her, I felt mummy in the wind as she blew them out from where she was. A gentle gust on a still evening filled with her love as if to say, "I am here with you". Mummy dearest, papa says that now you are in Heaven, you will never grow old. You cannot imagine how much we all miss you. Wait for us. Happy Birthday Mummy Dearest.

Love is reckless; not reason.

Reason seeks a profit.

Love comes on strong,

consuming herself, unabashed.

Yet, in the midst of suffering,

Love proceeds like a millstone,

hard surfaced and straightforward.

Having died of self-interest,

she risks everything and asks for nothing.

Love gambles away every gift God bestows.

Without cause God gave us Being;

without cause, give it back again.

-Rumi

Navigating through the rough waters of life- I am glad to have survived my first year...


Mummy made it look so easy...

We celebrated my First Birthday Sunday last. I am but one year young! It wasn't my actual birth date, which falls on the 6th of April, but papa had his reasons for wanting to celebrate it earlier. It was a celebration with close friends and family in the grounds of mummy's old parish, St Ignatius Church. The proximity to the priests' quarters would mean they would have an easier time attending the party. Father O'Neil who baptised me was there to offer a blessing before the party began. This Church was like a second home to mummy for most of her wonderful life and the location was meaningful and appropriate.

In lieu of birthday presents this year, papa had requested that friends and family donate to the Assisi Hospice- a Catholic welfare charity that takes care of the sick and needy. The money would be directed to a section of the Hospice, the Paediatric Palliative Care Programme. This recently implemented plan is directed at the care of children with terminal illnesses.

The party was fun. We had candy floss, popcorn, balloons and clowns. I managed to stay awake most of the afternoon. Everyone had lots of fun. It was a party to remember indeed.

Papa would like to thank all the kind souls that donated to the Assisi Hospice. In total, almost three thousand dollars was raised for this worthy mission. Papa imagines that mummy will be smiling with approval at all the generous donors. Thank you all for making my First Birthday that much more meaningful, and for helping to lift these children for whom life will be but a painful short journey.

The most difficult time of the year for mummy's loved ones has arrived. Papa has succumbed to a more sombre mood lately. It is the week of painful anniversaries and resurrected memories. Papa has started calling it his annual week of mourning. The 2nd of April (Monday) would have been mummy's birthday. The 6th of April (which happens to be Good Friday this year) is the first anniversary of her going to heaven. It is also my birthday. Papa has taken leave from work this week to be with me as we remember and honor mummy's love. Time has failed to erode the pain. Papa has been trying hard to prepare tributes for mummy in memoriam for this week's newspaper publication. So far there have been more tears than words pouring forth. The sadness welling up from within belies the passage of time and superficial healing.

Papa misses her more than life itself.

I'm back on my feet!

I feel great today. Despite still having a slight rash around my legs and arms. The rashes around my back, abdomen and face are almost gone. More importantly my mood is back to it's usual self. I am once again chirpy and smiley. Papa says his 'Mr Sunshine' has returned after five nasty days. I am rearing to go and eager to catch up with the world once again.

Fever Update Day 5: The fever broke late yesterday. In its place, little red spots have started popping up all over my body. So it was a viral infection after all. The doctors call it exanthem subitum or roseola infantum. My Aunty Elena says that this is normal, and marks the end stages of the viral infection. Thankfully, it is also not the kind of rash associated with Dengue fever. Papa now calls me his 'incy-wincy pokka dotted pinky baby'. The worst is over thankfully.

Fever Day 4, afternoon update: Things are looking a little brighter this afternoon. The urine test results were negative, which means that I do not have a urine infection. Added to that, my fever has subsided this afternoon. So papa is holding back the medicines until it is necessary. Everyone has their fingers crossed that the fever will not come back. My condition tonight will be telling. Papa is heaving a much relished sigh of relief for the moment.

Fever Day 4, morning update: Papa skipped work today to be with me. The fever unfortunately has not subsided. At 7am today, it was still spiking up to the 39degC range without the medicines. Papa brought me to see uncle Simon at Mount Alvernia Hospital this morning. Uncle Simon did a full physical examination. He too is not sure what it is at the moment. I will be having my urine tested for infections. He has also prescribed some strong antibiotic medication for later should the high fever trend continue. The only thing we can do now is to contain the high temperatures and to keep me hydrated. I am feeling more miserable and tired. My appetite is worse and my body is aching. I wish this would all go away. Papa says that I have to be strong and fight to get better, like I have always done. I hope that I will be well before my first birthday which is just around the corner. Pray for me mummy.

Fever Day 3: As I enter the 3rd day of my fever, I have lost much of my usual energy. I have been feeling listless and lethargic. The medicine they put into my bum is starting to irritate me, and I have been having loose stools. My bum hurts. The fever has been spiking up into the 39degC range the whole day. So I continue to take my 4 hourly paracetamol syrup and 6 hourly 'Voltaren' suppositories to help control the raging fires within me. They have even changed my milk to soy milk, hoping it will not irritate my gastric so much. Everyone at home has been standing vigil over me today.

Papa brought me down to the hospital in the morning for a blood test. The results were not conclusive. Papa's worst fear is that I may have contracted Dengue fever. We will only know by Day 5 (this coming Tuesday). Meanwhile everyone is hoping the fever would have broken by then.

Fever Update: Day 2 of my fever- and it still hasn't subsided. In fact, its being spiking up above the 39degC range the whole day. It has every one at home mildly concerned. Despite the 4 hourly panadol syrups and 6 hourly suppositories, the fever has yet to be contained. I am feeling a little more sluggish than normal, and am eating less than my usual pig-outs. The baths and wet sponge wipes help a little. Papa says that if it continues till tomorrow, I may have to go for a blood test to verify what is causing it. *sigh*

Fever! I've got the blues today! I have had papa worried the whole day. I developed a high fever early this morning- 38.4degC. It has been spiking the whole day since. Only controlled by the medicines that they feed me through my mouth. It spiked up higher in the mid-day, and again tonight at about 8pm when it went up as high as 39.6degC! That freaked everyone out. It's even got papa praying momentarily. I've been sponged down several times and have even had medicines placed in me 'where the sun don't shine'. Twice. Ouch! It's going to be a long sleepless night for some of us.

Never know how much I love you
Never know how much I care,
When you put your arms around me
I get a fever that's so hard to bear

You give me fever, when you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight.
Fever, in the morning,
Fever all through the night.

Sun lights up the daytime,
Moon lights up the night
And I light up when you call my name
And Oooh I'm gonna treat you right

You give me fever
When you kiss me
Fever when you hold me tight
Fever, in the morning
Fever all through the night.

-Peggy Lee, Annie Ross

All through eternity

Beauty unveils His exquisite form

in the solitude of nothingness;

He holds a mirror to His Face

and beholds His own beauty.

He is the knower and the known,

the seer and the seen;

No eye but His own

has ever looked upon this Universe.

His every quality finds an expression:

Eternity becomes the verdant field of Time and Space;

Love, the life-giving garden of this world.

Every branch and leaf and fruit

Reveals an aspect of His perfection-

The cypress give hint of His majesty,

The rose gives tidings of His beauty.

Whenever Beauty looks,

Love is also there;

Whenever beauty shows a rosy cheek

Love lights Her fire from that flame.

When beauty dwells in the dark folds of night

Love comes and finds a heart

entangled in tresses.

Beauty and Love are as body and soul.

Beauty is the mine, Love is the diamond.

They have together

since the beginning of time-

Side by side, step by step.

-Rumi