Day 209 (Tuesday, 31st October 2006): Notes from papa's diaries....
Evan continues to grow well physically. His appetite is good and he is now eating cooked food that has been blended and pureed with rice. His diet consists of a variety of vegetables- green and orange varieties, as well as meats like fish, pork and chicken. All blended to perfection. Meals are fed upon request, usually every three to four hours. They are by all accounts 'finger licking good'. Literally. Sucking of his fingers while his mouth is still full of food is fast becoming a peculiar pastime. He has also developed a habit of vibrating his lips while he attempts to blow air out. Such an uncanny skill at blowing a trumpet at such a young age. By itself, a cute and adorable action. Unfortunately it is usually a trumpet of pureed carrots or peas that he blows out! Meal times now resemble a paint ball fight.

His facial rashes have subsided but remain a constant concern (the photo's above were taken two weeks ago when he was having a rash attack on his left cheek- it has since subsided). Sporadic applications of Betnovate (steroid) quarter strength cream appear to be working well so far. *fingers crossed*

His sleep cycles are regular. He naps for periods of up to three hours at a stretch in the day. At nights, he normally falls asleep around 9pm and wakes up in the mornings around 5-6am. He does stir for his feeds every 3-4hrs during the nights, but is generally drowsy when he feeds and falls back to sleep again easily. In this respect, we have been fortunate.

His physical co-ordination is improving, but as yet he still can't crawl or sit up by himself. His attempts at crawling inevitably end up being more of a rolling exercise. His neck muscles are getting stronger though, as he is able to hold his head up steadily without support most of the time.

His mental development has taken a significant turn for the interesting in recent weeks. He displays a sense of playful inquisitiveness and responds well to stimulation. He is able to now distinguish my presence in the room and takes full advantage of that fact, especially when he is bored sitting in his cot or strapped to his recliner. Outstretched arms in my direction and a mild complaining noise usually signal his desire to be carried around. Some may say it's spoiling him, but this is one luxury that I have decided he deserves in the absence of Frances- the satisfaction of touch and a cuddle on demand. He generally possesses a sweet disposition, unless he is provoked by hunger, sleep or wet nappies. He does not cry loudly or easily even then. Preferring instead to squirm around vigorously in one's arms and emitting puppy-like yelping sounds. Most times after a feed, a nap and a clean diaper, he will contentedly survey the surrounding scenes with a sage-like and calm disposition. If placed in his cot or recliner in a playful mood, he will indulge in loud and voluminous baby babble which is frequently accompanied by a more recently developed skill- laughter. All the while smiling with his disarming toothless grin. Certain things seem to provoke him with some regularity. Placing him in front of a mirror will inevitably provoke a big smile and gurgle. He has also lately developed a fondness for being around small children. Squealing kids running around like headless chickens will predictably provoke him into acting like a chicken himself- a rapid flailing of his arms and legs accompanied by excited cluckings of delight, which has since become more discernible as laughter.

After almost seven months, his progress has been encouraging. Our prayers and love seem to be working. At least for now.

"I need a bigger bed!"

Day 202 (Tuesday 24th October 2006): Sunday was my friend Alexia's birthday. She has turned two years old. We love you Alexia! We enjoyed your well organised tiny-people party on Sunday very much. Alexia's elder brother, Lucas, was mummy's Godson. He misses mummy very much. They had spent much time together and he had always looked forward to mummy's visits. Mummy would have been brimming with joy to see how both Alexia and Lucas have grown up so well since. Lucas is sad that mummy is not here to bring him swimming any more.

Tuesday was the anniversary of my Uncle Sebastian's passing. It has been one year since he passed away from a heart attack. Papa and mummy were very close to him and his family. They all live on the east coast of Australia. Uncle Sebastian was a good man with a big heart. He was like a father to papa and mummy. He was a retired teacher. A brave and wise man, who together with his wife, Aunty Adeline, migrated with their family of seven young children from Malaysia, more than 40 years ago. With this foresight, they had managed to provide full educational opportunities for all of them, and ensured a better quality of life. His children have all gone on to do his legacy immensely proud. Like mummy, Uncle Sebastian's passing came as a rude shock, a steep right-angled turn on the road of life. He had travelled to Singapore only weeks before his death. In fact, Uncle Sebastian was present when papa and mummy first announced that I had arrived and that she was expecting. Papa still remembers the delight and thrill etched on Uncle Sebastian's face that night. News of his sudden passing a few weeks later was devastating. Time stood still for a while after papa and mummy learned of the tragedy. They were just so glad that he had learned of my coming before he had to go. We mourn his loss during these tormentful times too.

Mummy dearest, you had so much more to give and fulfill. Why has time snatched you away so cruelly from us. We will never know or understand this futility. All we have are our five senses to guide us. And at the moment, they are all very numb from the pain we have had to endure. Rest in peace mummy.

Day 200 (Sunday 22nd October 2006): Last Thursday I had a visit from my relatives who live in Indonesia. Uncle Herman, Aunty Ai May and cousins Andrew, Diana and Sophie, spent an evening with papa and myself. Aunty Ai May is papa's younger cousin. They have not seen each other for a long time. I got along very well with my cousins. They were very friendly, especially Andrew who was very comfortable cradling me in his arms. I hope to see more of them as I grow older.

On Friday I came down with a runny nose and a watery cough. Papa says that my cough has become more 'chesty' since then, and has started to give me some medicine (anti-histamines, Mucosolvan) to control the runny nose. Thankfully, I don't have a fever. The rashes on my face are getting better though. This is after three days of applying Betnovate quarter strength cream. Let's hope the rashes stay away. Otherwise papa says he may consider returning me for his 1 year money back guarantee. I think papa was just joking.

Two hundred days have passed mummy. Two hundred days may seem like a long time to some. But for us, it is two hundred days too short. Short when compared to an eternity in time, short when compared to the time we still have to wait before we are reunited with you. Wait for us mummy. Love ya!

Evan starts to find his voice...

Day 196 (Wednesday, 18th October 2006): These are discouraging times. My facial rashes have returned. And boy are they angry with me. My skin is all raw and red again. Papa has reluctantly agreed to start on the Benavate quarter strength cream again. But only for a few days. He is aware that it thins the skin and is not good for me if used continuously for long periods. But something has to be done to make the skin less itchy and raw. It is proving to be frustrating for all concerned. Let's pray that it is just a passing phase of my development.

Aunty Sheena's papa is recovering from a heart attack and is about to undergo a major operation. The doctors will be doing a quintuple by-pass surgery on Saturday. Please pray for his well being. On the same note, my Aunty Sharmani is also in hospital recovering from an equestrian accident. She has injured her face and has broken some of the bones surrounding her eyes. Please help to pray for a complete and speedy recovery for her too.

Today, Thursday, is also the birthdays of my favorite Aunty Germaine, and my cute friend from the UK, Arabella. I want to tell them that I love them both very much and hope that they have had a splendid celebration.

Time seems to pass us so quickly. Like a torrential stream in an equatorial monsoon. Each growing day brings fresh discoveries for me. I can see the hopes and joys of my future reflected in papa's eyes. And yet his face is also written with the sadness of mummy's memories preserved in time. Time that has stood still. How will I remember her when he is gone? Will she recognise me when I am older? The expectations of a vibrant future, overshadowed by the anguish of a cherished mother. Mummy I love you so. We are lost in time. Pray for us so.

Day 190 (Thursday, 13th October 2006): We went to see Uncle Simon for my 6 month check-up on Thursday. It was a happy and a sad occasion. Sad because I was jabbed one more time in my right thigh- my final Hepatitis B booster shot. Happy because it was the last of my vaccinations for the next 12 months! Yippee! It's Oktoberfest, bring out the Erdinger my papa yelled. I am so glad to have completed them all. They should make T-shirts for all babies who have survived those first 6 painful months. It should say something like "If I knew how many needles were waiting for me, I would have refused to come out!", or "I'm a super disease-proofed, drugged-out, vaccinated-to-death baby".

I weighed in at 7.07kg and measured 69cm in height. Uncle Simon says my progress is encouraging. I know that I still have a long road ahead of me. But I believe that I will grow big and strong 'cos papa and mummy will be there to help me along. Papa says that there are so many other people out there who are praying for me and supporting my journey too.

Papa says that I am dribbling and drooling saliva in buckets now. He says I drool as much as I pee-pee! He says my teeth must be coming out soon, although he can't see anything in there at the moment. I have also recently discovered how tasty my my fingers can be. I can also make funny faces with my mouth and lips. Papa says that I have a rubber mouth. I have also learned to blow air through my mouth. I love to make bubbles and blow food at Aunty Mely. Though I have this feeling that she will not find it amusing for very much longer.

Papa tells me that I have, of late, become much more alert to my surroundings. I will grab at things, pull papa's hair and behave like a general busy-body. Papa is dreading the day that I will be able to crawl and walk. As it is, I can already turn over very quickly, and I can wriggle out of most arms. Papa calls me the squirmy-worm. But he is also happy to see me turn around another corner in my development. Tonight I prayed for my mummy's happiness and peace. I think that if I and papa are hurting so much, how much more painful it must be for her to watch from a distance. Take care mummy, we will be with you soon. Hugs.

An Announcement:

The coming Feast of All Souls falls on Thursday 2nd November 2006. This is a day set aside in the Catholic tradition when we remember family, friends and loved ones who have passed away. The Franciscan Friars of St Mary of the Angels Columbarium will be celebrating a service of remembrance and the blessing of the columbarium and niches on Thursday 2nd November at 8pm. Papa and I would like to invite you all to come and participate in this celebration to honour and remember mummy together with all those loved ones that have been laid to rest in the columbarium.

(The 2nd of November also happens to be Father Keane's birthday. )
(* The photograph above is a painting titled 'All Souls' Day' by William Bouguereau)

Day 185 (Saturday 7th October 2006): I got to experience my first Singaporean Lantern Festival celebration, otherwise known as the Mid-Autumn Festival or Mooncake Festival, on Saturday night. I was at Uncle Leonard's and Aunty Claire's home to play with my friends Gabby, Mike, Ritchie and my cousins Andrew and Timmy. The lanterns were very cleverly designed and the 'screaming sparklers ' were scary! They made a very loud noise when it was lit and scared all the kids away. I can't wait until I am old enough to play with all these things.

The simple joys of the present moment...

Six months have passed by so quickly my dear,
It's almost like yesterday that we were parted,
But for the sleepless nights and the bitter tears,
The memories of those last few moments together
As we waited in the delivery room for the birth of our child,
Nine months of stoical tolerance to your expanding womb,
You were glad that baby would be with us not a moment too soon,
Your body wracked by the aches and pains tempered by love like no other,
Still wondering if it was to be a boy or girl with glee,
Minutes before the fateful turn of the clock at three,
I still remember the soft caress of your supple hands,
The liveliness of your fingers intertwined with mine,
Never to imagine it was to be our very last embrace,
The very last of your warmth that I was ever to feel again,
As I tried to reassure you in between the labour pangs,
That everything was going to be alright,
How wrong I was to be, how much terror was to come that night,
The suddeness of the physical assault left us stunned as can be,
One moment you were there, the next you were but a blue angel set free,
Did you hear my cries of anguish as you left us, the pleas of pain,
The supplication of a distraught husband and father to be, so insane,
Prostrate before the God he knew not, sobbing on your face so cold,
In futile petition I offered your salvation for my soul,
Only to have it fall so cruelly on deaf ears,
Tormented by the vestige of your contorted countenance,
I fell into a dreamstate that I have yet to be woken from,
Could our journey have come to such an abrupt end,
And what of our little one whom you have left behind,
The nurturing that we had so passionately planned,
The project of a lifetime we were meant to share,
Six months since, and the wounds have no feeling,
As raw as the day they were hewn
A separation in time that has had no meaning,

Day 184 (Friday, 6th October 2006): I have turned 6 months old today. Everyone at home is happy for me. So far, I have been meeting most of my milestones, and my skin has cleared up just in time for me to celebrate my sixth month. Although, at my regular monthly physiotherapy sesssion on Thursday, the lady said that I had to work harder on my ability to sit up by myself. At the moment my sense of balance isn't too good. Papa says that I look like I've had one too many beers when I try to sit up. I promised them I would work hard this month to try and sit up by myself.

Today marks the sixth month of mummy's missing too. There was a Mass that was celebrated in her memory early this morning. It was held in the chapel at Maris Stella Kindergarten. I pray every night that mummy is not lonely by herself and that she is not too sad to be separated from us. I wish I could hold her in my arms and tell her how much she is loved. Miss you like the sun misses the moon each morning mummy. Wait for us.

Long melancholic nights laden under the weight of despair,
Smothered by clouds mourning within the breezy warm humid air,
Whispering leaves weep under the tropical moonlight,
As chattering crickets conspire amid the shadows of the night,
Flowery petals soaked by the moisture of cynical tears
Worn by the incessant torment of senseless fears,
Restless for the winds of hope and reason
As I await the passing of each painful season

- Colin Ong, Mournful Nights.

Changing time for our little squirmy worm.......

Day 182 (Wednesday, 4th October 2006): We have just returned from our holiday by the beach. It was very fun. I had my first taste of salty sea water and the first feel of fine sand between my toes. The beaches at our location were beautiful. Unfortunately the weather was very bad the first day we arrived- papa said that it was like a typhoon. The winds were strong and skies very wet. The second day was so much the opposite. It was almost perfect weather for the beach. It was bright, warm and there were plenty of clouds covering the sun. We had a great time at the beach in the morning and later again in the evening. Papa managed to snorkel at some rocks some way away from the beach. He said that he found a very lively reef there. Everyone had a very enjoyable time.

My facial rashes have gotten better. They have almost disappeared over the last five days. This is because papa had started applying a steroid cream for me which he said was stronger than the usual one. My Aunty Prisca thinks that the sun and salt by the beach has something to do with it too, not to mention the fine beach-sand facial scrubs that papa gave me. Just joking. He was almost tempted, but didn't. For all my worried aunties out there, papa says that the stronger steroid has only been applied for five days. He will step down to using a weaker steroid for another five days, before getting down to the routine use of non-oily moisturisers.

It was my Aunty Cynthia's birthday on Tuesday. It's also Uncle YP's birthday today! Happy birthdays to the two of them!

Tonight before I sleep, I will be praying for Aunty Sheena's papa. He has recently had a heart attack and is now in hospital. Please help to pray for him to get better soon. I am sure that mummy is praying hard for him too.

Mummy dearest, we all missed you during our holiday, especially me and papa. Papa says it just wasn't the same without you. I only have his words to paint a picture of you mummy. Why did you have to leave us so soon. Rest well mummy.

The simple joys of life....