Day 134 (Thursday, 17th August 2006): I had my booster jabs on Thursday. Uncle Simon gave me my '5-in-1' and 'anti-pneumococcus' jabs. One on each of my thighs. The jabs hurt as usual. He then gave me some 'Rotavirus' liquid to drink. It's supposed to protect me from bad stomach bugs. That tasted good. Uncle Simon seemed happy with my progress so far. He said that I looked "good". I guess what we can't see, we won't know. I developed a slight fever later that day, as with the last round of jabs. But I took it like a man, and the fever subsided quickly.

Oh! My love, my darling,
I've hungered for your touch,
A long, lonely time.
And time goes by, so slowly,
And time can do so much,
Are you still mine?
I need your love.
I need your love.
God, speed your love to me.
Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea,
To the open arms of the sea, yeah.
Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me,
I'll be coming home, wait for me.
Oh! My love, my darling,
I've hungered, hungered, for your touch,
A long lonely time.
And time goes by, so slowly,
And time can do so much,
Are you still mine?
I need your love.
I, I need your love.
God speed your love to me.

-Righteous Brothers, Unchained Melody.

Day 133 (Wednesday, 16th August 2006): I had a busy day again on Wednesday. We had an infant massage session with Aunty Sharon. She was introduced to papa by Aunty Julie and Uncle Bernie. Who would have believed that I would fall asleep just before they started the session. Papa was a little disappointed. But the show had to go on. So he continued the session with a practice plastic doll that Aunty Sharon had brought along. Papa was shown how to massage the legs and the feet for starters. It was an interesting session. Aunty Sharon was a very enthusiastic instructor. Hopefully I will be awake for my next session.

We then went to visit my great grandma Claire. My papa loves her very much. She has been the largest spiritual influence in papa's life, and someone from whom he has derived great strength from. We spent the morning praying with her at mummy's niche at St Mary's Columbarium. Aunty Prisca and Uncle Jeff then joined us for lunch as they were eager to catch up with me and papa. It was a hearty lunch in more ways than one. After lunch, papa, Aunty Mely and I returned to our home where mummy used to stay. Papa needed to check on the house and collect some personal effects. It was a very soulful afternoon. I can tell papa is still broken deep inside. He is wondering if we will ever be able to return to our home, the seat of all that was cherished in his life. We will pray to mummy for answers.

We ended the day with a visit to Father O'Neil, the Jesuit priest from mummy's parish who baptised me on the first day and also administered the last rights for mummy in the operating theatre. He was very happy to see me and amazed at how much I had grown. He was very concerned for papa's well being too. They both had an emotional conversation about mummy's passing. Father O'Neil remarked to papa how he had listened to mummy's recordings of church hymns that she had arranged and sang while playing the piano. He was impressed with the musical virtuosity that she displayed and the perfectness of her pitch in those recordings. Papa could only nod in a tearful acknowledement of something he knew only too well.

Dearest mummy, fill us with your spirit so that we may face each day with courage. Help to heal the hearts of all that have been so deeply affected by your premature passing. We all love and pray for your very much.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories...

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard...

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

-sarah mclachlan, seamus egan, and dave merenda, I will remember you.

Day 132 (Tuesday, 15th August 2006): I have passed another physical milestone for my age! I made papa very happy on Tuesday. I actually reached out for a toy that papa had dangled in front of me. It was the first time I have done that. A good sign he said. I really don't know what the fuss is all about. I just wanted to taste it! I wouldn't recommend it at all though. Why don't they make toys that taste better? Something along the lines of chocolate or whisky perhaps. One day, one day.

Day 130 (Sunday, 13th August 2006): I had my first chance at "swimming"! Sunday afternoon saw me and my cousins Timothy and Andrew frolicking in the swimming pool. Papa held on to me as we went into the water together. He said that mummy and he enjoyed swimming very much. He hoped that it meant that I would also have it in my genes. The water was cold. I was a little frightened at first, and made sure I clung onto papa very tightly. After a while I found it quite fun, and it wasn't long before I was kicking my feet underwater. There were many other kids in the pool too. They were splashing around and making lots of noise. I found it a strange but interesting experience. Papa said I wore a worried but calm look on my face. Papa said that I had to take one step at a time. He was careful to make sure that my head was kept above the water. I think papa was more concerned that I wasn't wearing any diapers! He said he had to keep a sharp eye out for UFO's (unidentified floating objects). He was later informed that there were apparently diapers made especially for swimming that could be bought from the stores. He was highly amused. Plastic reusable casings that kept everything in it seems. Anyway, I was a good boy and papa was glad that they did not have to evacuate the pool. He said he was so pleased with my performance, that we would be back for more hydro-therapy soon.

Mummy, wish you had been there to see me take my first "swim". I am starting to miss you even more. Love you always.

A letter to Papa and Evan from an ex-DBS colleague of Mummy, Jean (printed with permission):

"Just a casual note to say hi and to say that Frances has also been missed very much.

The tears never cease to flow whenever I visit the blog.

In the early morning of 9th August at 7.20am, I was awakened by the Primary School band playing over at our Eunos basketball court. It was to welcome our MP to celebrate National Day. At that instance I cried from up at 15th Floor of my flat - because I thought of Frances. Even at hotel lounges whenever I come across piano music I would think of Frances.

She was my officer when I was in DBS for a couple of years and thereafter for a year after I returned from my studies. We had dinner once after she left DBS and I have attended her concert once at Chimes. Initially we did touch base shortly after she left DBS. But things got busy and I took many things for granted. I have always wanted to ask her to teach me to how to play the piano. I told myself that I would send her an email one day, but never got around to doing it. This dragged on year after year. She told me over dinner that we must have goals in our life and be focused in what we want to do. I have yet to learn a lot from her and now she is gone.

For a person like me who had hardly been in contact with Frances, even I can feel the great sense of loss. Thus I can understand how you must feel. Though people always say time can heal, the loss you feel must be immense. It is easier for us to say move on. But I guess no one can relate to the moments you and Frances shared and the loss you have felt.

Colin, I would like to share that I personally learned a lot from Frances's sudden departure and from the blog. Frances's sudden disappearance has taught me to treasure the people around me regardless of how busy life can be. Frances's command of the English has always been admired. That was why my boss would definitely call her along for some bond deals that required liaising with the lawyers and thereafter follow-up on documentation that required a certain level of meticulousness. She was like always ready for everything. Frances was really so talented in many areas.

Please do take care and I will pray to Jesus that you will have a smooth transition during this time of loss and that Evan will grow to be a healthy and tremendous kid.

Frances will always be in our minds as a special person - a multi-talented person.

With Regards
Jean"

Day 127 (Thur, 10th August 2006): It was a painful Thursday morning for me. I couldn't believe that two weeks had passed since my last session with Aunty Polly (the physiotherapist). I tried to fake being asleep, but Papa saw through my ruse. So there I was on the torture table, being tossed around and forced to do countless repetitions of situps, stomach turns and sideway flips. The discomfort seemed to last for an eternity. I tried to tell papa that I wanted out by staring at him with my pouty lips, but he only had a pained expression of encouragement and support on his face in return. It was just as uncomfortable as the first time. I was not happy at all. The only positive outcome was that papa had been as traumatised by the whole session as I was. He is seriously reconsidering the benefits of this exercise. I hope I don't have to go back again.

Somewhere there's music
How faint the tune
Somewhere there's Heaven
How high the moon
There is no moon above
When love is far away too
Till it comes true
That you love me as I love you

Somewhere there's music
How near, how far
Somewhere there's Heaven
It's where you are
The darkest night would shine
If you would come to me soon
Until you will, how still my heart
How high the moon

Somewhere there's music
How faint the tune
Somewhere there's Heaven
How high the moon
The darkest night would shine
If you would come to me soon
Until you will, how still my heart
How high the moon


-Nancy Hamilton, How High the Moon.

Day 125 (Tue, 8th August 2006): Tuesday was a very busy day. I went for my four month checkup with Uncle Phua (he's my paedatric neurologist). He's my Mr Smiley. He's always smiling and happy. He tested my reflexes and measured my muscle tone. He said that he was generally pleased with my progress so far. I now weigh 6.3kg. I should keep working on improving my muscle tone, which he said was on the marginally tenser side. Otherwise, there was nothing to be worried about at this stage. After we had said goodbye to Uncle Phua, we paid a visit to Uncle Suresh. He was mummy's doctor and helped take care of me while I was in mummy's tummy. He is a very calm and gentle man. It wasn't long before he put me to sleep on his shoulders. There was something about his voice that sounded so familiar. We then had to rush off to my appointment with Aunty Josephine. She's my reflexologist. Mummy had been seeing her regularly for a long time before I was born. Aunty Jo was now helping me to grow stronger. She has very soft and soothing hands. She was hinting to papa that he should allow her to work on him too. She said papa probably needed it more than I did. But papa recoiled in horror. He said he was too ticklish to survive such therapy.

That night papa was invited over to Uncle Kek's and Aunty Ai Chun's home so that I could visit my buddy Vee Shen. He's three months older than me. We talked for a while and compared notes on the girls we had met, the latest toys that had just been released and the best types of milk we had tasted. Vee's fond of his food just like I am. Needless to say it didn't take long for us to finally get wasted on silly banter. After which we collapsed snoring in small heaps next to each other.

Mummy, papa and I miss your presence very much. Papa says that these were the moments you had been so looking forward to experiencing- all three of us enjoying the adventures of life as a loving family together. We miss you sorely. Papa says there is nothing worse than "enduring the unendurable". We love you the mostest mummy.

There's little joy in life for me,
And little terror in the grave;
I 've lived the parting hour to see
Of one I would have died to save.

Calmly to watch the failing breath,
Wishing each sigh might be the last;
Longing to see the shade of death
O'er those belovèd features cast.

The cloud, the stillness that must part
The darling of my life from me;
And then to thank God from my heart,
To thank Him well and fervently;

Although I knew that we had lost
The hope and glory of our life;
And now, benighted, tempest-tossed,
Must bear alone the weary strife.

-Charlotte Bronte, On the Death of Anne Bronte

Day 123 (Sunday 6th August 2006): That's me on my exercise mat! I now get to crawl on my belly once a day, with the help of Aunty Mely. Hey, that rhymes! It's tiring and I don't really like it. But papa says it's good for me. I have recently had a change to my milk formulation. Soya milk ('Isomil') was introduced to see if it would help improve the skin condition on my face ('seborrhic dermatitis'). So now I drink half soya milk and half normal milk. Papa says they will gradually increase the soya milk and observe my response. If I don't like the taste, or if it doesn't make any difference to my rashes, then they will stop the soya milk.

On Sunday, papa and I were invited for dinner with Uncle Nick, Aunty Wendy and my little friend Arabella from England. Arabella had a pink pillow given to her in the shape of a star (see photo). Uncle Nick and Aunty Wendy said that Arabella had especially named it "Aunty Fudge" because she said that "Aunty Fudge was a star in Heaven". She had chosen the name all on her own without any help from her papa or mummy. My papa was very touched by her thoughtful innocence.

Mummy dearest, I wonder if you are like Arabella's star in Heaven, with your eyes closed and a big smile on your face. I hope that you are doing ok up there. We all miss you very much. Love you always.

Fair daffodils, we weep to see
You haste away so soon:
As yet the early rising sun
Has not attaine'd his noon.
Stay, stay,
Until the hasting day
Has run
But to evensong;
And, having prayed together, we
Will go with you along.
We have a short time to stay, as you.
We have as short a Spring;
As quick a growth to meet decay,
As you, or anything.
We die,
As your hours do, and dry
Away,
Like to the summer's rain;
Or as the pearls of morning dew
Ne'er to be found again!

-Benjamin Britten, To Daffodils

Day 122 (Sat, 5th August 2006): The Philharmonic Chamber Choir held two concerts in memory of mummy at Singapore's Esplanade Theatre by the bay, on the 4th and 5th of August 2006. Both nights of the concert were sold-out. She had been a member of the alto section for more than ten years. Many of mummy's best friends and relatives were there to support this wonderful gesture. Everyone agreed that it was a superlative performance that would have made mummy proud. It was a memorable night in more ways than one. Papa says that it brought back many vivid memories of mummy standing on stage singing her heart out. He could almost imagine her there that night, standing among the alto section, hair coiffed and with her red lipstick and cheeky smile. The songs chosen for the program were thoughtful and touching. There were pieces by Brahms, Schumann, Elgar and Britten among them. Mummy would have enjoyed singing them too. Papa had to suppress many more memories during the night. This is how he has learned to control his emotions. He has become better at distracting his mind. I hope that it doesn't make his heart too hardened or cold with time.
Mummy dearest, papa knows you were with them on that concert night. Sing him a lullabye to sleep tonight. Love you.

"I'm nothing special, in fact Im a bit of a bore
If I tell a joke, you've probably heard it before
But I have a talent, a wonderful thing
cause everyone listens when I start to sing
I'm so grateful and proud
All I want is to sing it out loud

So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me

Mother says I was a dancer before I could walk
She says I began to sing long before I could talk
And I've often wondered, how did it all start?
Who found out that nothing can capture a heart
Like a melody can?
Well, whoever it was, Im a fan

So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me

I've been so lucky, I am the girl with golden hair
I wanna sing it out to everybody
What a joy, what a life, what a chance!

So I say
Thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing
Thanks for all the joy they're bringing
Who can live without it, I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without a song or a dance what are we?
So I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me"

-Abba, Thank you for the music.

Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Whereever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
When we went sailing on an emerald bay
And like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
The water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me.
Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I will be.

- Billy Joel, Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)

Day 120 (Thursday, 3rd August 2006): My very own passport at last. I collected my first ever passport today. Papa says he wants me to be travel-ready and with my walking boots on at all times. We went to the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority in the morning. It was a comfortable place. Service was smooth and efficient. The lady at the counter was very nice to me. She even consoled me about the rashes on my face. What a caring lady she was. After that, we paid a visit to my Aunty Sheena at work. She is a very busy person. We went up to her office to say hi. The front desk lady in Aunty Sheena's office is very kind. She is always very concerned for me. I must ask her for her name one day. She is always smiling and very helpful. She even gave papa some advice about how to improve the rashes on my face. Everyone seems to be so concerned with my rashes today. I must be having one of those bad-face days. I have been applying hydrocortisone cream twice a day to the rashes for the last month or more already. Papa says that some days will be good and some days will be bad. But he says that they should disappear within the next few months.

Yesterday, I met up with Uncle Nicholas, Aunty Wendy and my friend Arabella. They've come from England for a holiday. Uncle Nicholas was mummy's good friend since they were very young. He was very close to mummy. I hope to visit them one day and play with Arabella. They live in the countryside and have a nice pond in their big garden.

On Tuesday, I was brought to see my Aunty Josephine for my reflexology massage. Papa says I fell asleep during the massage. Aunty Josephine says that my physical condition has improved since she last saw me. My time with her is always very soothing. She is a very gentle and reassuring person. I look forward to my next session.

Mummy, I pray that you are doing ok. That they are taking good care of you up there. I wonder what it is you do up there all day. Please whisper in our ears the songs from Heaven, so that we can sleep peacefully at night. I hope to see you in my dreams tonight. Goodnight mummy dearest.

Cold in the earth- and the deep snow piled above thee,
Far, far removed, cold in the dreary grave!
Have I forgot, my only Love, to love thee,
Sever'd at last by Time's all-severing wave?

Now, when alone, do my thoughts no longer hover
Over the mountains, on that northern shore,
Resting their wings where heath and fern-leaves cover
Thy noble heart for ever, ever more?

Cold in the earth- and fifteen wild Decembers
From those brown hills have melted into spring:
Faithful, indeed, is the spirit that remembers
After such years of change and suffering!

Sweet Love of youth, forgive, if I forget thee,
While the world's tide is bearing me along;
Other desires and other hopes beset me,
Hopes which obscure, but cannot do thee wrong!

No later light has lighten'd up my heaven,
No second morn has ever shone for me;
All my life's bliss from thy dear life was given,
All my life's bliss is in the grave with thee.

But when the days of golden dreams had perish'd,
And even Despair was powerless to destroy;
Then did I learn how existence could be cherish'd,
Strengthen'd and fed without the aid of joy.

Then did I check the tears of useless passion-
Wean'd my young soul from yearning after thine;
Sternly denied its burning wish to hasten
Down to that tomb already more than mine.

And, even yet, I dare not let it languish,
Dare not indulge in memory's rapturous pain;
Once drinking deep of that divinest anguish,
How could I seek the empty world again?

-Emily Bronte, Remembrance.