Day 25 (Sunday 30th April 2006): Sundays are always special. Papa attended Mass today with my Uncle Douglas and Aunty Elena. They went to the Church of Saint Mary's where my mummy rests. As he had expected. Papa said that it was a tormentful mass. It is the same church which mummy and he used to attend before I was born, apart from the Church of Saint Ignatius. The choir singing reminded him so much of her. It was hard to fight back the tears. Every part of the mass was full of mummy. He missed mummy the most during the offering of Peace, when he used to hug and kiss mummy. He said that the singing of the hymns brought out the most tears. He remembers fondly sitting next to her and listening to her melodic voice embracing the music of worship. Today he imagined that she was there next to him joined by the choir of angels. He wished that he could have touched her again. He wished that he could have embraced her one last time. The waters of the baptismal font overflowed with Papa's sorrow. Mummy dearest, send us a kiss in the wind, and a song in our hearts. Whisper to us, "I love you", We'll know it's you. Always. We'll be waiting. Wait for us too. We miss you so much.

Solitude.......

Purity once had a name,
And beauty once had a face.
Life once had a meaning,
And once I was safe.
Once there was freedom,
And once I could laugh.
Happiness once was alive,
And once I had another half.
Once I shared her love,
Once I was by her side,
Once I felt I fitted,
So quickly that died.
Her grace so great,
Her beauty so vast,
All I ever wanted,
Was for it to last.
Fate maybe had another plan,
Our love was quiet but true,
Always there to lend a hand,
Why weren't we given any clues.
Now it's all died away,
Happiness, joy, love; all memories.
Now I walk alone in this dark, dark world,
With no light to guide my way.

Day 24 (Sat 29th April 2006): Grandpa Ben came today. He spent much time holding me. He sang to me and whistled to me some tunes. I fell asleep very fast. Grandpa was like Papa- sad and happy at the same time. Both don't sing as well as mummy either. I can tell that Grandpa misses mummy dearly. His music is tinged with the sadness of a setting sun. Mummy dearest, please help Grandpa Ben to find peace in his heart, wrap your arms around his shoulders and keep him warm with your love.

My Grandma Dot is also very sad and confused. Papa says that Grandma Dot's love for mummy was as rich as all the music in the world combined. She will take much time to understand all that has happened. Mummy dearest, please help extinguish Grandma Dot's fiery heart, embrace her distraught mind and shelter her soul in your bossom so that she may find everlasting solace.

Papa said that I was keeping up the good work. I am still drinking plenty of milk. I have been having difficulty sleeping. Papa says that makes me cry like a bleating lamb. He says it must be the weather. Papa says I must continue to work hard at growing stronger.

Papa was feeling sadder today. He says the weekends always bring back more memories of the happier times with mummy. He remembers their weekends sailing the open seas in their small sail boat off Sembawang coast. Papa was a keen sailor and mummy was his best mate. Papa says that his tears every night would remind him of the taste of the salty sea spray, on mummy's lips those many years ago.

Tears

by NJ Belopotosky

Laughing. Laughing. At my jokes.
Screaming. Crying. Inside of me.
Having fun, with my friends.
Streams of tears drip down my heart.
I smile, when I see you.
You smile, when you see me.
I bleed, when I see you.
You smile, when you see me.
Screaming. Crying. Inside.
Laughing. Smiling.
I wave to you.

Day 23 (Fri 28th April 2006): I have been a good boy today. I do get a little grouchy in the late afternoons though. Papa says it's because I have alot of wind in the stomach. But actually it's because I want to sleep, but can't!

Papa says he misses mummy the most when he is alone. He says his head hurts so very much. The more he remembers, the more it hurts. The more he tries to forget, the more he is reminded.

He wishes he had a chance to tell mummy all the things he wanted her to know before she left this earth. There were too many things left unsaid. And this hurt the most. Papa says that mummy so deserved to be with me. That he would have willingly given his life for hers. If only so she could cradle me in her arms, cuddle me to her bossom and caress me with her lips. Papa says that mummy so looked forward to growing old with me. Life has been callous. Mummy dearest, hold me tight in my dreams, wipe the tears from Papa's tired eyes and comfort us all when we are in soulful slumber with your heavenly presence. Good night mummy.

If These Walls Could Talk

by TearsOfPearls

If these walls could talk,
you'd know my body is dead,
my mind has been taken over,
that's why I am so scared,
I can't control it,
anger is making me blind,
I've been left here on my own
chained to a hate of some kind.
If these walls could talk.

If these walls could talk,
you'd know about my fears,
about all those nights I screamed for help,
about all my fallen tears.
You'd know about the demons
haunting me at night,
you'd be able to help me
keep my fire alight,
if these walls could talk.

If these walls could talk
they would say that it's all right,
God sends His angels
to look over me at night.
They'd encourage me,
say though I am alone
it doesn't mean I'm on my own.
He watches me, from above
and showers me with all His love,
if only these walls could talk.

Day 22 (Thu 27th April 2006): I went back to see Dr Simon today at Mt Alvernia Hospital. He was happy to see me grow so fast! He told Papa that I was looking good. He said that my muscle "tone" was much better, my breathing looked healthy and that my heart rate was good. He was glad that I had put on weight- I am now 3.62kg! When I left the hospital, I was 2.28kg. That was 300g in 1 week! Papa was proud of me. Although he did mutter something about watching my appetite for the sake of my future National Service. My Papa worries too much. I am now drinking 90ml of milk every 3 hours. Sadly, I need to continue with my sleepy medicine for a few more weeks.

Godma and Papa said I should thank all the people that have prayed for my good progress. So to all of my loving aunties and uncles out there- THANK YOU! We also got to visit my favorite nurses in the NICU and the the kind Nuns of the Hospital Pastoral Care Service.

Papa said that though mummy cried heavily this morning for not being with us at the hospital, she would have been proud of me too. He pined for her to be with us at our sides. Mummy dearest, though the rain cannot wash away our tears and the thunder cannot mute our cries of anguish, do not worry. Papa and I will take care of each other. Through the countless lives that you have touched, you have left a legacy of love and caring as infinite as the water in the oceans. It is through these very lives that we will find comfort and warmth in your absence. Papa promises that he, you and I will walk together down this darkest of tunnels, three bodies in one soul. I love you very much mummy.

Void

by Michael Anderson

Void, cancelled, simply annulled. Endlessly aching, unconsoled. Life without you, cause without reason. Touch without sense, time without season. I face life now facing a cancerous sore, A sordid parasite that eats at my core. All that makes me whole, all I hold deep within, Leaving me lifeless, or at least not living. A shallow face, anguished and marred. An empty space, scaled and scarred. Sweetly abiding to a cynical charade. Secretly hiding behind a fictitious facade. Still, lost within this heart of glass, This fragile and yet unfeeling mass. Lies the remains of a love that glowed, The gift to you I once bestowed. But honor and pride now bereaved- By your love for me so misconceived, Ripped from my inner depths, impeding- Mind and body and spirit, bleeding; Now's crushed to sand from thy ruthless hand, A cold stare I just can't understand. I feel that somehow, somehow I'm dying, At least my soul and all that's underlying. A simple void, is that what I've become? The hollowed sphere on a pendulum. Swinging back and forth, emotion to emotion, Never once stopping, nor slowing the motion. No reason, no answer, no justification. The creation of a sterile imagination. Just passing through time as time passes me. Merely a nothing- nothing, merely, left to be. Sightless and soundless, unseen and unheard. Mindless and boundless, obscure and absurd. All empathy lying ungraced, unemployed, I live my life dying, unembraced, a void.

Day 21 (Wed 26th April 2006): Today I had my milk increased to 90ml every 3 hours! Everyone was very impressed. Papa says we may have to start milking our own cow at home soon. Papa also said that I have been a good boy- I sleep in the night and I am wide awake in the day. But isn't that what we are supposed to do? Everyone agrees that I have a strong neck. I like to stretch it and look around when I am awake.

Papa said that he had received a phone call from someone that mummy touched when she was still here with us. This person did not know mummy very well. But Papa said that mummy had helped her find her purse one day, and even lent her some money to help her out. This person now wanted to return the money to mummy. Papa said that it was just like mummy. A heart of pure gold and a sweet angel you could rely on to help. Papa said he felt proud of mummy. But why then was he crying so much?

Day 20 (Tue 25th April 2006): Today I have been very alert. I was awake the whole morning and most of the afternoon. I was tired by the end of the day. Papa said I was cranky. He said that it was the "twilight" effect. Papa thinks too much. Papa will be taking me back to see Dr Simon on Thursday morning. I am happy I get to see him again!

Yesterday was my Uncle Chen's birthday, and today was my Uncle Paul Bailes's birthday.
Tomorrow will be my cousin Hannah's and my Aunty Pat 's birthdays too. So a BIG happy birthday to them all!

Papa told me that he was tired today. Tired of the grief, tired from the heavy crosses he has had to carry. There were no more tears to cry. For today at least. But he said that I had to continue to fight and get better. For that would mean one less cross he would have to bear. For now at least.

Goodbye At Last

by Barbi D

Saying goodbye is never easy
It's the hardest thing to do
But what hurts even more
Is not the chance to say it to you.

Yesterday is just a memory
Our laughter was sunny and bright
Then clouds started to gather
For you were no where in sight.

You were my first real love
And this I will never forget
How you left without a warning
No good-byes, my only regret.

Wherever I may be now
Always searching for another so true
To place my world of emotion
Handing my love to someone like you.

If again I must go there
And experience all the pain
I would do it in a minute
For all the good I would gain.

No matter what my wrongs
You offered only love
Until the day you left me
For your new home up above.

I know you still are with me
Your love is within my heart
Though life is no longer present
Our souls will never part.

This is given to you in honor
Of all that we did share
I just wanted you to know, dear,
How much I really did care.

Day 19 (Mon, 24th April 2006):

What Good Is Love

by Sass

I waited for your love in hope,
That ours would come again,
And make me feel the things I felt,
When we were one, back then.

But time and distance have erased,
The things I wished anew,
And now I find myself alone,
Though I am here with you.

What good is love, that does not touch,
What good is love, that gives you pain.
What good is love, that makes you run,
And makes you lost out in the rain.

I travelled to another world,
Out far beyond the one we knew,
I thought that I could live again,
And now I find I'm back with you.

But what of hearts that beat as one,
And what of passion and embrace,
Is it too much to ask of you,
To make these tears of mine erase.

What good is love, that does not touch,
What good is love, that gives you pain.
What good is love, that makes you run,
And makes you lost out in the rain.

Too painful this - to journey back,
To times of love and laughter free,
The times we lay together with
A sense of you , a sense of me.

So now, I journey on alone,
Forever wandering, in my thoughts,
And I shall ask you once again,
What good is love.

Day 18 (Sun, 23rd April 2006): I have been upgraded! My milk was increased to 75ml today, and I love it. Everyone is happy that I can drink so much. My Papa says that my 'umbilical cord' dropped off today too. He says it was disgusting. But my Aunties want him to keep it for me. My Papa said it was so that they can cook it for me to eat one day. He says that it may taste good barbecued. My Aunties gave him the evil stare.

Today I also 'peed' at My Aunty Mely when she was changing my diapers. She moves very quickly. My Papa was laughing. My Uncles and Aunties had warned him of this before. But he had never seen it happen until today. My Aunty Mely said that I was very cheeky.

Our relatives from Australia called Papa today. Uncle CT and Aunty Gerry were much loved by mummy and papa. They spoke to Papa with kind words and offers of help. Papa was sad to hear their voices. It reminded him so much of the happier times with mummy.

My Papa spoke to mummy again. Papa was especially sad today. He said that tonight's family dinner gathering made him feel very sad without mummy. Papa missed mummy very much. He tried very hard to be strong. He tried very hard not to cry. In the end, he said that he could not stop himself. The image of our family without mummy was too heavy to bear. The pain was more than he could stand. The damn had to burst. Memories flooded back. His heart overflowed with tears. Papa said that it was like a tidal wave of sorrow engulfing him. Papa had to hide in his room tonight. He cried softly for many hours alone after dinner. He did not want the others to see him cry. He said he must be strong for them too.

^{Anguish by Kirsti A. Dyer It begins as an affliction
in the center of my soul.
A scarcely detectable awareness.
A hungry gnawing sensation.}

^{The feeling emerges
slowly at first.
Barely perceptible.
A constant ache.}

^{It begins to permeate,
radiating to all levels
from core to periphery.
Filling with agony and grief.}

^{My hands begin to tremble
in reaction to the pain.
I scream in anguish
for it to stop.}

^{It spreads, enlarging
becoming all-consuming, ravaging.
Distilled to a searing, burning sensation.
Bowels turning...tearing.
Heart pounding...shattering.}

^{The break point is reached,
I can endure no more.
Tears of anguish flow.
Sobs of grief,
Releasing some of the torment.}

^{The pain subsides,
but still lingers.
Barely perceptible.
Never abating.
Never leaving.
Ever present.}

Day 17 (Sat, 22 April 2006): I am feeding well. I am sleeping well. I am crying more. Papa says his hair is not falling out as much as before.

Papa talks to me when he thinks I am sleeping. He thinks that I cannot hear him. I think he is talking to mummy. He talks to me often. Today Papa told me that he is happy that I am getting better. But it is also giving him more time to think about mummy. So he is also feeling sadder. He says that a part of him has died with mummy. The pain he says, is like a raw wound that will not heal. The emptiness, that of a barren desert. The loneliness is as a sunken ship at the bottom of the deepest ocean. The worst part papa says, is that no matter how many friends gather around him, that he knows he has to walk the long sad tunnel alone. That it will take much time to heal, perhaps an eternity.

Darkness by Kirsti A. Dyer

My light and my life
provided me hope for a future,
a reason to live
and the strength to exist.

Suddenly extinguished,
taken away without warning.
I was abandoned,
left in the darkness
trying to survive
searching for any glimmer
on the distant horizon.

I stand precariously
on a piece of solid ground
barely large enough for my feet.
Around me, a vast expanse
of desolation and emptiness
for as far as I can tell.

It waits
with extending arms
to engulf and surround me
in a permanent shadow.

I remain tenuously balanced
on this small bit of solid footing
Providing me the last vestiges of hope,
Unsure where to turn
or how to find an escape.

No path in sight,
it has decayed into the abyss.
No light to guide my footsteps,
it has been withdrawn.

In complete blackness
I close my eyes
waiting to fall.

A light appears before me
no,
from within me.

I discover
a brilliance inside
An internal source of strength, power
and illumination.

This force surges through my body
filling me with courage.
I open my eyes once more in the darkness
finally lose my balance,
and descend
into the eternal night.

But in falling, I discover
that I possess wings.

With new courage, my own light, and wings to save me from the everlasting darkness I take flight high above the waiting chasm towards a faint glimmer far on the horizon and hope.

Day 16 (Fri, 21st April 2006): Crying. That's what I did alot of today. It was very hot today. I was feeling sticky. It was not nice. I was starting to get wind in my stomach too. That made me feel funny. I was not very happy. My cousin Timothy said I had Panda eyes. I didn't understand him. My Papa was feeling very tired. He had to wake up many times to help my Aunty Mely feed me. He had Panda eyes too.

Today was my Grand Uncle Sebastian's birthday too! Papa says that Uncle Sebastian loved mummy very much. Uncle Sebastian lived in Australia. Mummy is now in Heaven with him. I wish mummy was here with me.

Day 15 (Thu, 20th April 2006): My first full day out of hospital. Today is also my Uncle Adrian’s Birthday. Happy birthday Uncle Adrian! He is my Papa’s youngest brother. He now lives in Switzerland. My Papa misses him.

Today, I was more active. I cried more. Which Papa says is good. He says that I cried louder today than ever before. But that I could afford to do better. My aunties all giggled and gave my Papa a strange look. I will try harder.

I am feeding well. But I like to play a game with my aunties and Papa. When they feed me, I pretend to sleep. When I have finished my milk, I open my eyes again. It's fun. My Papa says I am very cheeky.

My Papa said he had a very scary Evan dream last night. He said that he dreamed that I was stolen from him and that he could not find me again. He said that he was glad it was only a dream when he woke up. Papa wishes it was the same with mummy's dream. Papa cried for me. I pray for my mummy.

Day 14 (Wed, 19th April 2006): Homecoming! I checked out of the hospital at 11am on Wed. There were many people there to greet me. It was the first time that I have been out of the ICU. It was fun. But I was very sad to say goodbye to all my nurses. I will miss them. They were very kind to me. I will miss their voices and gentle touch. There were so many people walking around the hospital. And for once there was no soapy smell to peoples' hands. Papa and Sister Bernadette Yeo brought me to the chapel for a thanksgiving service before I left. That made me sad.

I went home in Papa's car. It was very bumpy. So much sound. So many new things to see. So many people. We are going to be staying with my Uncle Douglas and Aunty Elena. Uncle Douglas is my Papa's eldest brother. My cousins Timothy and Andrew love me very much.

I have been drinking my milk well. I am now up to 60ml of milk every 3hrs. I still have to take the sleepy medicine. Papa keeps playing music to me. He says the music is of mummy's voice. That one day I will sing as good as her. Papa says her music touched many peoples' lives. Mummy's good friend came to see me today. She used to sing with mummy. She said that my mummy was a very good person, and that she had never heard anyone say anything bad about her ever. She said everyone that met mummy loved her. Mummy dearest, why aren't you here to show me the way?