Day 55 (Tue 30th May 2006): Papa says that a very close and dear friend, Uncle 'Pau', shared with him a theological insight given to him many years ago by a wise priest. When asked why he thought God would allow young people to be taken from this earth suddenly or prematurely, seemingly before their rightful time. He replied that perhaps it was because God was seeking to spare them from the immense suffering in events which he foresaw happening to them sometime in their individual futures. Surely they must also have been deemed ready to enter His Kingdom. I pray that papa will one day believe that this can be true and that he be blessed with the gift of Faith. So that his soul may finally slumber in peace one day.

Mummy dearest, I think of you every waking moment of the day. I hope that God takes good care of you so that you will be healthy when papa and I finally get to hold you in our arms again. Take care mummy.

~Treasured Tributes~

"...It was only like yesterday when I met Frances at the tennis court when I was back home and I remember her cheerfulness very vividly..." Leng Poh Hock from Portland OR USA, April 20th 2006.

"...I was so sad when my dad called me that morning to tell me the sad news about Cici. I really couldn’t believe my ears...Having just seen her the week before...I just couldn’t believe that she was gone, especially since I knew how she had been waiting for the day for Evan to be born. I remember asking her at the airport that morning if she was scared of the delivery as her ‘bump’ was so big, and she just smiled in her usual quiet way and said “whatever lah”. I guess you never know what sort of pain to expect, but what you hope and long for is to finally hold your own baby in your arms. I recall feeling so happy for the both of you...and she looked so good when she was expecting...I also wanted to give you this picture I found of Cici. It was taken at Andrea’s birthday 2 or 3 years ago I think, when she had that bowling party...Aud told me...that she’s so sad when she sees a bowling alley as it reminds her of how Cici always used to bring the kids bowling…I was always touched by how thoughtful and considerate Cici was..." - Audra Ruyters, Singapore, May 25th 2006.

"...Gillian and Frances were classmates in CHIJ and Gill tells me how talented, energetic and exuberant she was in school..." Euan & Gillian Murugasu, Singapore, May 28th 2006.

"In times of diversity, we find hope and solace in family and friendship. In Frances going to Heaven, she has left each one of us to get to know the other better and to appreciate why she found us, in all our diversity, special people in her life. We must seize this, her gift to us."
- Sheena Jacobs, Singapore, 30th May 2006.

Evan enters the monastary....

Day 54 (Mon 29th May 2006): I had my first haircut today! Or should I say, my first shave. It is another milestone papa says. Papa says it was done because my hair was looking too unkempt. And not as a 'right of passage' that some parents insist upon. It's all gone for now. My beautiful locks shorn away. Hair today, gone tomorrow. Papa now calls me his "little monk". Grand godma says the barber who cut my hair was very skilled. She said I was well behaved and did not create a fuss when he was cutting. Godma Elena thinks I look cute, but Godpa Doug thinks I look funny. Papa told me not to worry 'cos I will grow out of it. Half of my hair has been put into a plastic container for me to keep. Papa says in Singapore, some parents pay to have the hair bundled into a paint brush. He says that in other countries, the hair is donated to make wigs for sick children. I wish my hair had been thicker and longer so that I could have helped them too.

They say it's a river, that circles the earth
A beam of light shining to the edge of the universe
it conquers all, it changes everything

They say it's a blessing, they say it's a gift
they say it's a miracle
and I believe that it is
it conquers all, but it's a mystery

Love breaks your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
and it won't fade away so easily

In this world we've created
where this place that we lived
in a blink of an eye the darkness slips in
love lights the world
unites the love that´s for eternity

Love brakes the chain
Love aches for everyone of us
Love takes the tears of pain, and it turns it in
to the beauty that remains

Look at this place
it was paradise, but now it's dying
I´ll brave the love
I´ll take, my chances that it´s not too late

Love brakes your heart
Love takes no less than everything
Love makes it hard
and won't fade away so easily

Day 53 (Sun, 28th May 2006): A Letter from Papa to Evan...

Dearest Evan,

My first letter to my first born. It should have had a joyous touch. There should be so much hope and promise resonating with each word. Yet I find myself writing these words with a heavy heart. My resounding regret is that it has to be stained in the ink of tears. Tears of endearment, tears of mourning. Words no father should ever have to write to his son. Then again, no child should ever have to be without his mother. You will never begin to understand how wretched I feel knowing that mummy could not be here with you today. But know this. That she was at her happiest when you were with her in her tummy for nine months. Always remember that though she never got to meet you, her love for you was infinite. She was immensely proud of you. Her passion for you, unquenchable. Though her physical love may no longer be possible, you will always, always feel her spiritual love for eternity. Never doubt this till the day you are finally reunited with her.

Where do I begin? Your mummy's passing was sudden, unforseen and catastrophic. It was like an emotional nuclear bomb had exploded in our faces. Many hearts were destroyed, many dreams burned beyond recognition. Papa's soul barely survived. At that moment I wished that there had been a way for me to have joined her. It was only the thought of you that kept me tethered to this earth. Leaving you alone was not an option. I struggled many waking hours during those first few days to supress my own selfish and unconscionable thoughts in the depths of my darkest despair. The aftermath of mummy's death has left me an emotional wreck. A sunken hollowed-out ship interred at the bottom of the deepest, coldest ocean. How does any human being ever recover from such a loss? All of a sudden, I was caught in the unfamiliar and uneasy situation where I could no longer control my feelings and emotions. It was as if my life had been ejected from normalcy and abrubtly hurtled into outer space. Exposed to the mercies of unknown forces and suffocating in the infinite darkness. As I drifted away from the earth I once knew, I was overwhelmed by the spectre of sadness in my soul. A darkness has descended upon it and has rooted itself in one corner. From this darkness seeps anger, emptiness, lonliness, confusion and a raw pain that defies description. The images of mummy lying in the coffin when she should be cradling you in her arms and the notions of you never having met her, growing up without her love and affection, are the most unbearable thoughts of all. My intense sorrow is echoed and magnified in the hearts of the many people that have been touched by mummy's grace. Tears alone cannot measure the sadness that has soaked into our collective souls.

Life is cruel- the mantra of all ages. And yet as I mull over such imponderables, I am reminded how paradoxical life can be. Even as I stay awake at nights wondering what I have done to have deserved such savage recompense from life. It is hard to escape the irony that the question also begs as to what I have done that life presents me a child as beautiful as you? What have I done in life to have deserved the outpouring of immense love and merciful support from so many other people? In one fell swoop, it has allowed me to experience undeserved pain, but also undeserved goodness and grace. Life is strange. Life is unfair. At least from a moralistic view. But then again, why shouldn't it be? The enigma of life. The randomness. The cold callousness. The absoluteness. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that it may be fairness in its purest form.

Over time, I shall be writing to you much more. In my letters I hope to share with you my thoughts on mummy and the life we both shared, so that you may at least gain some sense of the richness of mummy's essence coursing through your veins. And hopefully gain an insight into the saintly presence that she embodied.

Love always and forever,
-Papa

"...Sometimes I'm up
Sometimes down
Where can I run to
How have I sinned
When you cry like a rainstorm
And you howl like the wind...

And my thoughts are filled with memories
They won't let me be
But if all the stars are shining bright
Well they would not let me see...

Who can I turn to
Tell me where to begin
When you cry like a rainstorm
And you howl like the wind..."

Day 53 (Sun, 28th May 2006): I went to the Botanic Gardens today! Papa actually woke up early this morning to bring me there. We arrived at 7.45am. Papa was amazed at the number of people already awake and there on a Sunday morning! The carparks were almost all full. It was a lovely day. Papa said that mummy was looking forward to walks with me in this park. I tried to tell papa that she was there with us this morning. Godma, Uncle Kek, Aunty Ai Chun and my buddy Vee Shen were also there with us. We started off from the Cluny Road carpark and walked all the way to the Symphony Lake, past the Evolution Garden. We then walked around the Swan Lake and past the Orchid Gardens. It was a nice and breezy stroll. And there were lots of interestingly shaped clouds in the sky. Papa said it was a nice cool overcast morning and we all enjoyed the walk. We sat down for a nice hearty breakfast after that. To wash it all down, mummy provided us with some rain water just as we were about to leave the Gardens. She couldn't have planned it better for us.

Mummy dearest, thank you for your blessings today in the Gardens. I wished that you could have been there physically with us. But it's ok. I could sense you in everything that we breathed, listened to and looked at today. You were magnificent.

" Blow wind, to where my loved one is,
Touch her and come touch me soon;
I'll feel her gentle touch through you,
And meet her beauty in the moon.
These things are much for one who loves-
A man can live by them alone-
That she and I breathe the same air,
And the earth we tread is one"

-Ramayana

Because You Loved Me

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I'll be forever thankful baby
You're the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You're the one who saw me through through it all

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You were always there for me
The tender wind that carried me
A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration
Through the lies you were the truth
My world is a better place because of you

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'cause you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

-D. Warren

Day 50 (Thu 26th May 2006): Today, I went back to my home for the first time since I left the hospital. It felt good and peaceful. Mummy was there to cradle me and to sing me to sleep. I look forward to coming back again.

Papa says that today was also a day of obligation for Catholics. A feast day called Ascension Day. It is the fortieth day from Easter, which is always a thursday apparently. My birthday was on a thursday too! Ascension Day commemorates the bodily Ascension of Jesus into Heaven. I am sure that he took my mummy up with him this time. Papa says that she deserved to go straight to Heaven with Jesus on the cloud.

This last week, I have been feeling more alert. I am able to observe people talking. I even try to join in the conversation. But everyone doesn't seem to understand me. Only my Guardian Angels nod their heads when I speak. Papa was teasing me when I was lying on the bed today, and I smiled back at him. I think I made him happier today.

Papa says that I have been recently drinking two types of milk powder. Papa says that my Uncle Simon who is a baby doctor, told him that he should slowly mix my milk powder with one that contains 'growth additives' called 'DHA and AA'. These are supposed to be good for my brain development. Not that I needed any anyway if you don't mind me saying so myself. I guess there's no harm in making a good thing better. Papa seems to think that I need all the help I can get. If only I could make him understand my baby talk...

I pray tonight that mummy is safely in Heaven. That she is taking care of herself. That she is leading me and papa in our daily lives, guiding us ever closer towards where she is now. I love you mummy dearest. I miss you very much.

My Heart Will Go On

Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

-J. Horner, W. Jennings

Day 48 (Tue, 23rd May 2006): I had some some fun with my milk today. I sneezed some out of my nose! You should have seen the look on papa's face. Papa said that he walked in to my room early this morning to see why I was crying. And just as he peered down at me, I sneezed out all this milk from my nose! Papa was stunned. Luckily he recovered in time to pick me up and burped me. He wished he had carried his camera with him. Godpa told papa that it was normal for babies to 'regurgitate' milk now and again.

I Won't Last a Day Without You

Day after day I must face a world of strangers 
Where I don't belong, I'm not that strong 
It's nice to know that there's someone I can turn to 
Who will always care, you're always there

When there's no getting over that rainbow 
When my smallest of dreams won't come true 
I can take all the madness the world has to give 
But I won't last a day without you
 
So many times when the city seems to be without a friendly face 
A lonely place 
It's nice to know that you'll be there if I need you
And you'll always smile, it's all worthwhile  

When there's no getting over that rainbow 
When my smallest of dreams won't come true 
I can take all the madness the world has to give
But I won't last a day without you  

Touch me and I end up singing 
Troubles seem to up and disappear 
You touch me with the love you're bringing 
I can't really lose when you're near  

If all my friends have forgotten half their promises
They're not unkind, just hard to find 
One look at you and I know that I could learn to live 
Without the rest, I found the best  

When there's no getting over that rainbow 
When my smallest of dreams won't come true 
I can take all the madness the world has to give 
But I won't last a day without you

 -Paul Williams & Roger Nichols

Day 47 (Mon 22nd May 2006): An Open Invitation to Submit Tributes to Mummy- Today, papa says that he wanted to do something that will help me understand more about my mummy. He says that he would like to invite anyone who knew my mummy, whether casually or as a long-time friend, to put their thoughts in writing, and email them to papa. He wants to publish tributes to mummy from all her diverse friends, so that I can get to read them as I grow older, and learn more of who my mummy was. Papa says not to worry if it's going to be long, short, tall or fat, just express your feelings, relive your experiences with her, anything that will eliven and enrich my understanding of mummy dearest. If you have nice photos of her taken with you, please send those too. Papa says that this will be like my very own "time capsule" that I can open up in 10 years time.

Please help by sending words and photos if you have them, addressed to me, to papa's email address: fudgeco@gmail.com. Papa says he will slowly publish them on my blog, one by one. If you know of anyone that doesn't know how to use email, but has memories to share, please write to us on their behalf.

Papa says that it is strange how his habits have changed since mummy left us. He now wakes up early in the mornings, which he never used to do before. Mummy used to be the early riser. Papa says that it is almost as if one part of him is hoping to catch mummy there when he wakes up early. The other day, papa said he had a dream about mummy. In it, her face was peaceful and white, but papa said that he could feel an overwhelming sadness streaming from within her. She was surrounded by angelic serenity, yet he could sense her soul crying inconsolably. Papa tried to reach out to her, but could not touch her no matter how hard he tried. He wanted to hold her so badly. To console her. To tell her that he would take good care of me. That she need not worry about us. But it was as if she could not hear or feel him. Papa says he woke up to a silent scream, a pain in his chest and a tear stained pillow.

Mummy dearest, even though you can't be with us, I pray constantly that God will bless us all with the PEACE of his wisdom. That he will reunite us in the warmth of his light and the love of his Holy Spirit.

Grant me, o blessed Lord a mind
In which my thoughts may have a quiet home
Thoughts which now fret like balls of foam
That in a whirlpool each the other chase
Around and round and neither find
An outlet nor a resting place.
-William Wordsworth

Day 46 (Sunday 21 May 2006): Mummy the Muscian...Today, being Sunday, papa felt that a photographic celebration of one of mummy's greatest talents-musicianship- was fitting. Papa says that there were few things that she did not do well. She was truly blessed with many gifts.

Mummy, the consumate muscian, was passionate in everything she undertook. Papa says that music was in her blood. A patient teacher, formidable musician, beloved choir mistress and impassioned vocalist. Music was her Gift that she shared freely with everyone around her. She did it with utmost joy, charity and aplomb. Music was her, she was music.

"She was gracious and energetic, simple, competent and hospitable. She found joy in serving others. She laughed far more than she cried and delighted in ordinary life. She was good and guiless at the very core of her being. I miss her as she was, not as I wished her to be. I lost a friend, a lover and a partner..."

"Our relationship was delightfully multi-dimensional. Her absence touches almost every area of my life. I am haunted by the memories. At times I feel almost desperate to find just one part of my life that was not affected by her presence and does not therefore suffer from her absence."


Die before you die. There is no chance after.
-C. S. Lewis

Don't Know Much

Look at this face
I know the years are showing
Look at this life
I still don't know where it's going

I don't know much
But I know I love you
And that may be all I need to know

Look at these eyes
They've never seen what mattered
Look at these dreams
So beat and so battered

I don't know much
But I know I love you
That may be all I need to know

So many questions still left unanswered
So much I've never broken through

And when I feel you near me
Sometimes I see so clearly
The only truth I've ever known is me and you

Look at this man
So blessed with inspiration
Look at this soul
Still searching for salvation

I don't know much
But I know I love you
And that may be all I need to know

I don't know much
But I know I love you
That may be all I need to know

I don't know much
But I know I love you
That may be all there is to know

-Barry Mann, Cynthia Weil, Tom Snow

Still Within The Sound of My Voice

Where have you gone my darling one
Are you on your own
Are you having fun
Is there someone to hold when you need it bad
Is it uncontrolled like the love we had
Does the day go by like a memory
Do you ever try to remember me
In an automobile or a crowded bar
Well I hope you're all right wherever you are

And if you're still within the sound of my voice
Over some radio I just want you to know
You were always my only choice
And wherever you go
That I still love you so

If you're still within the sound of my voice
In the dead of night
Do you hear me call
Something's not quite right
No one's there at all
Did you make a mistake
Was it in your head
Or was it really me talking
To your heart instead...

I just want you to know
That it always made me rejoice
Just to have you so near
There's a place for you here
If you're still within the sound of my voice

I am calling like the echo of a passing train that cries
One last time before it fades into the distant hills and dies
I am sending out a message like a ship out on the sea
In distress but only you can send a lifeline out to me
Are you still within the sound of my voice

Why don't you let me know
I just can't let you go
If it's wrong then I have no choice
But to love you until I no longer have a will
Are you still within the sound of my voice

I am calling like the echo of a passing train that cries
One last time before it fades into the distant hills
And dies
-Jimmy Webb

The Withered Heart...

He lies staring at the cold white ceiling. Mesmerised by the languid arms of the electric fan, rotating hypnotically in its own soothing rhythm. Wondering if it will all go away like some bad dream. Open his eyes again, heave a sigh of relief, and start afresh. Celebrate the end of the worst nightmare. Hug her tightly once more. Tell her that he never wanted to imagine losing her ever again. That he wanted to change his life for the better. To feel the softness and warmth of her scented skin forever. To lock her sweet lips with his and never let go the euphoria. To share a story and an amusing joke. To be enthralled by her gracious giggle. To be comforted by her patient, undemanding, guileless nature. To take long walks again, arms locked, along the sandy beaches. To watch the sunset over the crisp scintillating sea. To glide underwater in the deep blue as a pair of trailing bubbles. To blot out the pain. The dull throbbing in his eyes, intrudes once again. Like an unwanted guest. Confounding his wishful rapture. The tears that he has been trying to blockade protest in heaving pulsations. Puffy eyes half swollen shut, stare through the blank white ceiling. The throbbing waves in his writhing chest rise up like a tidalwave, threatening to tear his heart out from its battered mooring. Propelling, tearing through his chest. Willing his spirit to break free from these mortal confines. To find a path back to her heavenly presence once again. Then that cold sickly sensation of dread soaks into his skin. The relentless throbbing pounds into his flesh as if to remind him of his lonely earthly existence. Gnawing into the very fabric of his tortured soul. He closes his eyes in wretched slumber. Hoping. Longing. Pining. Aching. Hungering. Yearning that she will be there to greet him when he opens his tired eyes once again. His heart races in anticipation. His mind temporarily assuaged by his cold fantasies. Far away from his harsh reality. Looking forward to their next dreamy encounter. He heaves a deep ponderous sigh. Sucking in the opiate of his alternate reality. -CO.sg

Day 43 (Thu 18th May 2006): Papa says today was an important milestone. For today I celebrated my first drug-free day! My sleepy medicine has been stopped. Finally. To celebrate, papa opened one of my mummy's favorite bottles of white wine. The label said "Leeuwin Estate, Margaret River Rheisling, Art Series, 2002". Papa said that mummy and he had bought this on their last holiday to Perth four years ago. They were saving it for a special occassion like me.

I also visited Uncle Simon in his clinic today. He said I have been growing well and that my muscle tone is good. My weight is now 4.29kg! 1 kg more than when I was born. But Uncle Simon did a naughty thing to me today. He poked my leg with a sharp metal pokey thing! It was very painful! I was not a very happy puppy. Papa said that I cried like I was auditioning for Singapore Baby Idol, for more than half an hour! Papa said that it was needed to help protect me from nasty bugs. Anyway, at least I did get to see my favorite nurses at the NICU again. They helped to feed me my milk. They were very happy and proud to see me all grown up. Sister Bernadette also cuddled me today. Papa calls them my Guardian Angels in disguise.

Shattered

Shattered
Like a windowpane
Broken by a storm
Each tiny piece of me lies alone
And scattered
Far beyond repair
All my shiny dreams
Just lying there I'm broken but I'm laughing
It's the sound of falling glass
I hope that you won't mind if I should cry in public
While I wait for this to pass
Cause sweet darling
I'm shattered
Into fragments cold and gray
Sweep the pieces all away
Then no one will ever know how much it mattered
Something deep inside of me
Shattered

-Jimmy Webb

Day 42 (Wed 17th May 2006): I woke up today with the strangest feeling on my bum. There was a large pimple there! It was a little itchy. Papa said that it was a reaction to the 'BCG' injection that they had given me just before I left the hospital. Aunty Elena and Godpa Douglas said that it was normal and that there was nothing to worry about. I hope it doesn't leave too big a scar.

Ode to Thee...

My love is warmer than the warmest sunshine
Softer than a sigh,
My love is deeper than the deepest ocean
Wider than the sky
My love is brighter than the brightest star
That shines in the night above
And there is nothing in this world that can every change my love

More than the greatest love the world has known
This is the love I'll give to you alone
More than the simple words I try to say
I only live to love you more each day

- Love, Evan & Papa

Day 41 (Tue 16th may 2006): I had a visit from my Grandma Dot & Grandpa Ben today. They came with a couple of my grand aunties. They stayed for an hour to be with me. That was the highlight of my day. I am also counting the days to when I can stop my medicine. I am getting excited. Goodnight mummy, goodnight papa.

Day 40 (Mon 15th May 2006): I received a present today from my Uncle Nick and Aunty Wendy. All the way from England. Thanks! They sent me an engraved stand-up frame to display my first locks of hair and my first fallen tooth. Papa says that I will have to wait awhile longer before I can fill it up with the tooth. Meanwhile, papa says he will see if he can find one of his old baby teeth to fit the holder. I hope he cleans it up first.

My Godpa Douglas wants to celebrate my "stopping medication day". My last dose of sleepy medicine will be this Thursday. I am so looking forward to it. I wonder how we will celebrate.

Papa says that today marks the 40th day of mummy's passing. It still only seems like yesterday. Papa says that '40' has been the number of trial and privation in the Bible. From what papa has read, there were 40 years of Hebrew wandering in the desert, 40 days and nights of the great flood, 40 years of Philistine dominion over Israel, 40 days of Moses on Sinai, 40 days of mourning for Jacob and there are 40 days of Lent. Papa thinks that he will end up like the Hebrews wandering in the desert, mourning for 40 more years. Papa says that the tears flow as much as they did from the very first day. It is not something he says he can control easily these days.

Mummy dearest, I pray that you understand we love you very much. Papa says that he has not had a chance to tell you how much you meant to him, and how much he so loved you. He did not expect you to leave us so quickly. There were many things left unspoken. He wants you to know that even though he never really said it enough, that he loves you more than anyone, and yet so much more than anything. Too many words of love left unspoken, too many deeds of affection left undone. We love you dearly mummy, please understand that the most.

Day 39 (Sun 14th May 2006): Papa says that mummy and he love English football. Mummy's favorite team was MU, while papa supports Liverpool FC. They used to have affectionate sparring sessions whenever they watched their teams play. Papa says mummy would have wrinkled her nose last night. Liverpool won the FA Cup. Aunty Elena and Godpa Douglas are also strong supporters of Liverpool. Their neighbours must have thought they were all crazy last night. They were all making so much noise as the match was played out. It even woke me up. Aunty Shena and Uncle Andrew are also Liverpool supporters and we could hear them cheering all the way from our house too. Papa says that I will have to choose my favorite team carefully. Within extreme limits of course.

I am still drinking 105 ml of milk every three hours. I usually get very irritable in the late afternoons. I am crying alot these days. That always gets papa worried. Especially when he can't understand why I am crying. He says he feels very helpless. It is during these moments he wishes he could turn to mummy and rely on her judgement as well. He misses her much. Papa says that I have started to break out in pimples. Especially on the left side of my face. My aunty Elena has started applying some cream to it. They say that it should clear up by my second or third month. My fingers are crossed.

Photos taken from papa's album of mummy conducting during the 60th Jubilee Celebrations for Father Keane Thursday 16th December 2004 at St Ignatius Church Hall.

A Mother's Day Poem from Evan To Mummy Dearest:

Why I Need My Mummy...

For holding my hands as I first learn to walk,
Clapping for me when I start to talk,
Putting your arms around me when papa loses his cool,
Being there with me when I first start school,
Going for a walk, feeding me my favorite fries,
Giving answers to all my when and why's,
Giving me lots of hugs when I am down,
Telling me when not to frown,
Guiding my hands as I learn to play the piano,
Coaching me to sing the proper alto,
Teaching me how to play basketball,
Comforting me when I trip and fall,
For talking about anything under the sun,
To be with me through tears and fun,
To help me and papa get back on our feet,
We need you here to make the family photo complete.

-Missing you the mostest, Evan Gabriel.

Day 38 (Sat 13th May 2006): Papa says that tomorrow will be an especially difficult day for us. It is Mother's Day. A day which celebrates motherhood. A day for thanking mothers for all their love and devotion. It will have a different meaning for us. Papa says that he will explain why when I am older. He says that for now, we will have to be satisfied with just praying for mummy. He says that I need to concentrate on growing well and healthily.

Papa says that my recent upgrade to 120ml of milk was too ambitious. I have not been able to sustain that volume. So my milk has been reduced to 105ml every three hours. Papa says that I will get there eventually with time.

I attended Mass with papa today. We went to the Church of the Holy Spirit. Papa says that he felt very sad when they asked all the mothers to stand up for a special prayer and blessing. He almost wanted to stand up with me for mummy's sake. But he was too overwhelmed. He says it hurt so much as he knew that this would have been a day when mummy would have been smiling one of the happiest smiles since they got married. She would have been a beaming proud mother brimming with love and radiating rapture. I could hear papa crying when he was alone tonight. Mummy dearest, although I never got to know you well, papa's sadness speaks a thousand words. I pray for you on this special day, that you find peace in heaven, and that you will visit us frequently, to wrap us in your loving embrace, to lead me along the righteous path as I grow up. Happy Mother's Day mummy dearest.

Echoes of the present..

Living memories haunt
Searing pain taunts
Reminisce the warm wet kiss
Suffer the unattainable bliss
Soft senses of intimate caress
Cold skin lonely and bereft
Lingering gaze of untold passion
Bloodshot eyes of teary desolation
Tender whispers in the dark
Mournful torments of a broken heart

Searching for a reason
Torn apart in his prison
Blot out the savage thoughts
Of demons hewn and fought
Dream the life that once was
Hiding from the insufferable loss
Screams of anger and blame
Driving the rational light insane
Secret whispers and the Grim Reaper plot
Consolation, conclusion and acceptance not
Reflections of the past torment incessantly
Echoes of the present howl eternally
-CO.sg

Day 37 (Fri 12 May 2006): Papa says that today was a religious festival in Singapore called Vesak. Buddhists celebrate the Birth, enlightenment and passing of Buddha. Devotees may bring simple offerings of flowers, candles and joss-sticks to lay at the feet of their teacher. These symbolic offerings are to remind followers that just as the beautiful flowers would wither away after a short while and the candles and joss-sticks would soon burn out, so too is life subject to decay and destruction. Devotees are enjoined to make a special effort to refrain from killing of any kind. Birds and animals are also released by the thousands in a symbolic act to liberation, of giving freedom to those who are in captivity.

Papa says I have been cranky this afternoon. I don't have much appetite in the afternoons, and usually don't finish my milk feeds completely. It is very tiring to cry so much. Papa says that's probably why I usually sleep so well at nights.