Day 53 (Sun, 28th May 2006): A Letter from Papa to Evan...

Dearest Evan,

My first letter to my first born. It should have had a joyous touch. There should be so much hope and promise resonating with each word. Yet I find myself writing these words with a heavy heart. My resounding regret is that it has to be stained in the ink of tears. Tears of endearment, tears of mourning. Words no father should ever have to write to his son. Then again, no child should ever have to be without his mother. You will never begin to understand how wretched I feel knowing that mummy could not be here with you today. But know this. That she was at her happiest when you were with her in her tummy for nine months. Always remember that though she never got to meet you, her love for you was infinite. She was immensely proud of you. Her passion for you, unquenchable. Though her physical love may no longer be possible, you will always, always feel her spiritual love for eternity. Never doubt this till the day you are finally reunited with her.

Where do I begin? Your mummy's passing was sudden, unforseen and catastrophic. It was like an emotional nuclear bomb had exploded in our faces. Many hearts were destroyed, many dreams burned beyond recognition. Papa's soul barely survived. At that moment I wished that there had been a way for me to have joined her. It was only the thought of you that kept me tethered to this earth. Leaving you alone was not an option. I struggled many waking hours during those first few days to supress my own selfish and unconscionable thoughts in the depths of my darkest despair. The aftermath of mummy's death has left me an emotional wreck. A sunken hollowed-out ship interred at the bottom of the deepest, coldest ocean. How does any human being ever recover from such a loss? All of a sudden, I was caught in the unfamiliar and uneasy situation where I could no longer control my feelings and emotions. It was as if my life had been ejected from normalcy and abrubtly hurtled into outer space. Exposed to the mercies of unknown forces and suffocating in the infinite darkness. As I drifted away from the earth I once knew, I was overwhelmed by the spectre of sadness in my soul. A darkness has descended upon it and has rooted itself in one corner. From this darkness seeps anger, emptiness, lonliness, confusion and a raw pain that defies description. The images of mummy lying in the coffin when she should be cradling you in her arms and the notions of you never having met her, growing up without her love and affection, are the most unbearable thoughts of all. My intense sorrow is echoed and magnified in the hearts of the many people that have been touched by mummy's grace. Tears alone cannot measure the sadness that has soaked into our collective souls.

Life is cruel- the mantra of all ages. And yet as I mull over such imponderables, I am reminded how paradoxical life can be. Even as I stay awake at nights wondering what I have done to have deserved such savage recompense from life. It is hard to escape the irony that the question also begs as to what I have done that life presents me a child as beautiful as you? What have I done in life to have deserved the outpouring of immense love and merciful support from so many other people? In one fell swoop, it has allowed me to experience undeserved pain, but also undeserved goodness and grace. Life is strange. Life is unfair. At least from a moralistic view. But then again, why shouldn't it be? The enigma of life. The randomness. The cold callousness. The absoluteness. In fact, I have come to the conclusion that it may be fairness in its purest form.

Over time, I shall be writing to you much more. In my letters I hope to share with you my thoughts on mummy and the life we both shared, so that you may at least gain some sense of the richness of mummy's essence coursing through your veins. And hopefully gain an insight into the saintly presence that she embodied.

Love always and forever,
-Papa

"...Sometimes I'm up
Sometimes down
Where can I run to
How have I sinned
When you cry like a rainstorm
And you howl like the wind...

And my thoughts are filled with memories
They won't let me be
But if all the stars are shining bright
Well they would not let me see...

Who can I turn to
Tell me where to begin
When you cry like a rainstorm
And you howl like the wind..."