Day 147 (Wednesday 30th August 2006): We had a gathering of relatives from the USA on Tuesday night. I finally got to meet two of my cousins from the USA- Molly and Abbey. Aunty Tini (mummy's younger sister) organised a pizza pig-out that night. Abbey is an expressive and bubbly girl. She was the life of our cosy little party. Molly is younger and she is sweet and very shy. Their mummy Aunty Kew, was my mummy's cousin, and she lives in New York with her family. Aunty Ming-Ming who lives in Singapore, was also there with us that night. She's Aunty Kew's eldest sister and also a favorite cousin of mummy. I could feel mummy's presence among us that night.

On Wednesday morning, Aunty Sharon and Aunty Julie came to see me again for my infant massage session. I managed to actually co-operate for a large part of the massage. Long enough it seems for papa to have been spared the plastic doll Megan again. You could tell papa was grateful for that. Aunty Sharon was equally pleased at the success of this session. Papa got to practice massaging on my chest and arms that day. He is learning new ways to bond with me. Provided I can sit still!

Later that Wednesday afternoon, we were invited over to my Aunty Di's for lunch. It was a lazy drizzly afternoon that eventually proved soulful. It was a good chance for Aunty Mely to catch up with her compatriot Aunty Marita. Papa too managed to have a very thoughtful conversation with Aunty Di. They spent the afternoon reminiscing and shedding a few tears for the memories that were provoked. They both miss mummy very much. As if on cue, the rain fell heavily that night and over the next day. It was as if mummy was sharing their grief again. The thunder, her cries of anguish; the clouds, her tear soaked handkerchief, and the gray skies her melancholic shroud. When will the rain ever stop falling I wonder.

Day 145 (Monday, 28th August 2006): Papa says that I have become even more alert lately. I am able to recognise some faces, and am more curious about my surroundings. I now check out the people that walk up to me. Mainly to see if they have brought any presents for me actually. And when people around me talk, I now turn around to see what they are saying. I get to hear some of the weirdest gossip you won't believe. If babies could talk, the world would be a more interesting place to live in, not to mention a quieter place. Mothers won't gossip in front of us anymore. My buddy Vee Shen and I intend to write a book about it one day.

I am feeding ok, though I do tend to throw up my milk sometimes. So now I get to wear a bib most of the time. I am now drinking pure cow's milk (Anfalac). The volume I am now drinking has not increased very much since I hit the 150ml mark. In fact it varies between 80ml and 180ml depending on my mood. I think I am getting bored with milk. Papa still refuses to bring on the whisky and chocolates. Though I might be eating some solids soon. Perhaps some pureed brown rice to start off with. Whoopee.

I am still struggling to shake off my chesty cough and snotty phlegm that I acquired a week ago. It seems to be rather stubborn. I am not taking any medication at the moment. But alert eyes are watching closely.

The weekend was interesting. Last Friday was my Grandma Anne's (mama's) birthday. We celebrated with lots of food and mahjong. It was fun. Then on Saturday, me and my cousins Andrew and Timothy and my buddy Vee Shen went down to the East Coast Parkway to have some more fun. We rollerbladed, cycled, pigged out at the food centre, fished and even went surfing within the confines of our little fertile infants' imaginations. That was so cool. Can't wait to grow out of my pram and my useless toddler feet. I finally got to see my first sandy beach mixed with all the rolling waves and foam. Papa says that one day, all those waves and that sea will be mine. He intends to teach me sailing, scuba diving and water skiing soon.

To top off the weekend, we were invited to Aunty Su May's and Uncle Kenneth's home for dinner on Sunday. It was a soothing and friendly atmosphere. My buddy Vee Shen was there with me too. He was slightly odd that night. He kept sucking his toes! Totally not cool. Not to mention the girls weren't too impressed. I kept my distance that night.

Mummy dearest, I still do wish that you were here with me and papa. I know that you would have been so happy to see me grow so well. Why can't we borrow you from Heaven for just a little while? Just so that we can see you smile. I often lay awake at night wondering why Jesus has allowed this to happen to us. Those nights are long and sleepless. Rest in peace mummy.

Dog-yawn it! Papa's been feeling exhausted these last few days. He says a fit of fatigue has descended upon him like a cloud. He hasn't had the energy to update the blog as regularly as he would like to. He says to be patient. Once the cloud of tiredness disperses and his eye lids can be lifted, he'll find the inspiration again to get back to typing out my diaries with renewed vigour.

I loved her like the leaves,

The lush green leaves of spring
That pulled down the willows
on the bank's edge
where we walked
while she was of this world.
I built my life on her.
But man cannot flout
the laws of this world.
To the shimmering wide fields hidden by the white cloud,
white as white silk scarf
she soared away like the morning bird,
hid from our world like the setting sun.
The child, the gift she left behind- he cries for food; but always
finding nothing that I might give him,
I pick him up and hold him in my arms.
On the pillows where we lay,
My wife and I, as one,
I pass the daylight lonely till the dusk,
the black night sighing till the dawn.
I grieve and grieve and know no remedy.
I ache and know no road where I might meet her.

- Kakinomoto Hitomaro
(Japan, 7th century)

Day 140 (Wednesday, 23rd August 2006): I fell sick on Tuesday. Papa says it doesn't seem to be a major bug. There was a slight fever followed by some sneezies and coughing . But things are getting better. The fever has subsided and the sneezies are less frequent. But I do still cough, especially in the early mornings when I wake up. Papa says that I will get better soon.

On Wednesday I had my massage session with Aunty Sharon, Aunty Julie and papa. This week was learning how to massage the tummy. I managed to put up with all of ten minutes of it before I became agitated from hunger and sleepiness. So poor papa had to continue practising with Megan, the plastic doll that he used last week. In the evening, papa took me for a quick stroll around the Botanic Gardens. We fed the fish and turtles with some bread crumbs. Even the ducks and birds wanted to get in on the action. It was a pleasant way to round off the afternoon.

Papa says that my Aunty Tini and two of my Ming cousins from America will be visiting Singapore soon. They should be arriving this Friday. I am looking forward to seeing my Aunty Tini again. I have never met my cousins before, so naturally I am excited too!

Day 138 (Monday, 21st August 2006): The weekend was a busy one. On Saturday, we were invited by my buddies Lucas and Alexia to take a stroll around the lower Pierce Reservoir park. It was a cool and relaxing walk. From the quiet concentration of the weekend anglers, to the languid lovers lying on their picnic mats, there was an air of laziness that permeated the calm surroundings. Everyone felt so at ease. The diffuse orange sun nestling closer towards the trees in the horizon, was particularly delightful to watch. Lucas was mummy's Godson. She would have been so thrilled to see him all grown up now. Lucas told papa that as he grows older, he wants to grow so tall that he can reach Heaven and give mummy a big hug. Papa was amused at his sweet and loving innocence. After a very pleasant time spent with Lucas and Alexia, we rounded the evening off with a hearty dinner.

My cousin Noah celebrated his first birthday on Sunday. He organised a lunch party that afternoon. The food was delicious according to papa. But I didn't really appreciate the din of the crowd. It made me agitated and fretful. Grandma Dot and Grandpa Ben were there too. Feelings of anxious anticipation soon dissolved into quiet sighs of relief. Grandma was in a calm and conciliatory mood. She carried me and even tried feeding me for the first time. Grandpa looked on with a thankful heart. Papa is sure that there were grateful tears shed in Heaven that afternoon. The healing has begun.

It was also my 'Godsister' Andrea's birthday on Sunday. She turned eleven. Mummy was her Godma, and more. She was her piano teacher, maths tutor, mentor and role model. Andrea loved her very very much. Papa says that much has been lost between them. Mummy had so much more to share with her, as with all of us. Andrea has always had a talent for art and drawing. Papa says that it was the only way in which she could express her immense sorrow immediately after mummy's passing. Her drawings exuded more grief and love than even the most powerful words written. Mummy would have been very touched by her artistic eloquence. Andrea should take comfort that she will always hold a special place in mummy's heart wherever she may be.

Dearest Mummy, your loss continues to be felt in so many ways by so many people. I pray that you continue to try and comfort our broken hearts, and that our grief may be soothed with the passing of time. We love and miss you very much.

I tell you, hopeless grief is passionless;
That only men incredulous of despair,
Half-taught in anguish, through the midnight air
Beat upward to God's throne in loud access
Of shrieking and reproach. Full desertness,
In souls as countries, lieth silent-bare
Under the blanching, vertical eye-glare
Of the absolute Heavens. Deep-hearted man, express
Grief for thy Dead in silence like to death-
Most like a monumental statue set
In everlasting watch and moveless woe
Till itself crumble to the dust beneath.
Touch it; the marble eyelids are not wet:
If it could weep, it could arise and go.

-Elizabeth Browning, Grief.

Day 134 (Thursday, 17th August 2006): I had my booster jabs on Thursday. Uncle Simon gave me my '5-in-1' and 'anti-pneumococcus' jabs. One on each of my thighs. The jabs hurt as usual. He then gave me some 'Rotavirus' liquid to drink. It's supposed to protect me from bad stomach bugs. That tasted good. Uncle Simon seemed happy with my progress so far. He said that I looked "good". I guess what we can't see, we won't know. I developed a slight fever later that day, as with the last round of jabs. But I took it like a man, and the fever subsided quickly.

Oh! My love, my darling,
I've hungered for your touch,
A long, lonely time.
And time goes by, so slowly,
And time can do so much,
Are you still mine?
I need your love.
I need your love.
God, speed your love to me.
Lonely rivers flow to the sea, to the sea,
To the open arms of the sea, yeah.
Lonely rivers sigh, wait for me, wait for me,
I'll be coming home, wait for me.
Oh! My love, my darling,
I've hungered, hungered, for your touch,
A long lonely time.
And time goes by, so slowly,
And time can do so much,
Are you still mine?
I need your love.
I, I need your love.
God speed your love to me.

-Righteous Brothers, Unchained Melody.

Day 133 (Wednesday, 16th August 2006): I had a busy day again on Wednesday. We had an infant massage session with Aunty Sharon. She was introduced to papa by Aunty Julie and Uncle Bernie. Who would have believed that I would fall asleep just before they started the session. Papa was a little disappointed. But the show had to go on. So he continued the session with a practice plastic doll that Aunty Sharon had brought along. Papa was shown how to massage the legs and the feet for starters. It was an interesting session. Aunty Sharon was a very enthusiastic instructor. Hopefully I will be awake for my next session.

We then went to visit my great grandma Claire. My papa loves her very much. She has been the largest spiritual influence in papa's life, and someone from whom he has derived great strength from. We spent the morning praying with her at mummy's niche at St Mary's Columbarium. Aunty Prisca and Uncle Jeff then joined us for lunch as they were eager to catch up with me and papa. It was a hearty lunch in more ways than one. After lunch, papa, Aunty Mely and I returned to our home where mummy used to stay. Papa needed to check on the house and collect some personal effects. It was a very soulful afternoon. I can tell papa is still broken deep inside. He is wondering if we will ever be able to return to our home, the seat of all that was cherished in his life. We will pray to mummy for answers.

We ended the day with a visit to Father O'Neil, the Jesuit priest from mummy's parish who baptised me on the first day and also administered the last rights for mummy in the operating theatre. He was very happy to see me and amazed at how much I had grown. He was very concerned for papa's well being too. They both had an emotional conversation about mummy's passing. Father O'Neil remarked to papa how he had listened to mummy's recordings of church hymns that she had arranged and sang while playing the piano. He was impressed with the musical virtuosity that she displayed and the perfectness of her pitch in those recordings. Papa could only nod in a tearful acknowledement of something he knew only too well.

Dearest mummy, fill us with your spirit so that we may face each day with courage. Help to heal the hearts of all that have been so deeply affected by your premature passing. We all love and pray for your very much.

I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories...

I’m so tired but I can’t sleep
Standin’ on the edge of something much too deep
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can’t be heard...

I’m so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn’t let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

And I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

-sarah mclachlan, seamus egan, and dave merenda, I will remember you.

Day 132 (Tuesday, 15th August 2006): I have passed another physical milestone for my age! I made papa very happy on Tuesday. I actually reached out for a toy that papa had dangled in front of me. It was the first time I have done that. A good sign he said. I really don't know what the fuss is all about. I just wanted to taste it! I wouldn't recommend it at all though. Why don't they make toys that taste better? Something along the lines of chocolate or whisky perhaps. One day, one day.

Day 130 (Sunday, 13th August 2006): I had my first chance at "swimming"! Sunday afternoon saw me and my cousins Timothy and Andrew frolicking in the swimming pool. Papa held on to me as we went into the water together. He said that mummy and he enjoyed swimming very much. He hoped that it meant that I would also have it in my genes. The water was cold. I was a little frightened at first, and made sure I clung onto papa very tightly. After a while I found it quite fun, and it wasn't long before I was kicking my feet underwater. There were many other kids in the pool too. They were splashing around and making lots of noise. I found it a strange but interesting experience. Papa said I wore a worried but calm look on my face. Papa said that I had to take one step at a time. He was careful to make sure that my head was kept above the water. I think papa was more concerned that I wasn't wearing any diapers! He said he had to keep a sharp eye out for UFO's (unidentified floating objects). He was later informed that there were apparently diapers made especially for swimming that could be bought from the stores. He was highly amused. Plastic reusable casings that kept everything in it seems. Anyway, I was a good boy and papa was glad that they did not have to evacuate the pool. He said he was so pleased with my performance, that we would be back for more hydro-therapy soon.

Mummy, wish you had been there to see me take my first "swim". I am starting to miss you even more. Love you always.